Lord Shiva and his tandav dance (satire)

Lord Shiva is, as we all know, a bohemian character – and he was unhappy. No, it was not a marital tiff – he worshipped the ground that Durga walked on and, Durga also knew that her husband was in a special league because he was a bohemian. She also guessed that he was worried.
‘Want to share your thoughts?’ she asked him.
‘My life is miserable,’ he lamented.
‘Why?’ Durga asked.
‘Killing of tigers is banned and my stock of tiger skins is running out,’ Shiva said.
‘Artificial tiger skins are available online. I have shown you how to order online.’
‘What about ash? Burning ghats are vanishing, where do I get the ash to smear on my body?’
Durga laughed.

‘There are thousands of body powder in the market,’ she said. ‘Take your pick.’
‘And the bel pata, leaves of the bel tree? They also are not seen – the trees have been cut down to make space for multi storied buildings. Ganja is banned, no one dares to cultivate poppy anymore. My devotees have changed their outlook,’ Shiva sighed.
‘It is but natural,’ Durga said. ‘They now live in a world of make believe and want to grab more than they can digest. That results in indigestion.’
‘What about me? No one celebrates Shivaratri any more. Staying up all night watching movies is a thing of the past.’ ‘You are mistaken. They do watch movies throughout the night. They watch it on their smartphones.’
‘You mean movies depicting me and my lifestyle?’
‘Well – they live in a world of their own and have their own idea of Shiva.’
‘Yes, they only love my tandav dance,’ he said. ‘Both the boys and the girls shake their bodies in a way that I could never have imagined.’
‘Always look at the bright side,’ Durga smiled.
The Lord sighed.
He does live in a world of his own. He loves to smear his body with ash instead of sprinkling talcum powder. He loves to smoke ganja even though people look down upon drugs which have ruined many lives. He loves to stay in the burning ghat which is more attractive to him than the banks of the Ganges. And, he loves the company of bulls that follow him as does Bhringi, his man-of-all-seasons. (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva and the sight of potbellied policemen (satire)

Lord Shiva was in one of his jolly moods when he allowed himself a good laugh. It was not a normal sight because he has plenty on his mind – but, still, on some occasions he does laugh.
That is what brought Durga out of her kitchen. She was preparing aloo paratha when she heard Shiva’s loud laughter. ‘What is so funny?’ she asked as she came up beside her Lord.
‘Those policemen,’ Shiva said and held out the binocular to her.
Durga took it, focused it and grinned.
‘Poor souls,’ she sighed, ‘they are really struggling to keep their belts in place. Wonder how they manage to move about. Can they ever expect to chase and catch a thief with a figure like that?’
‘Don’t blame them,’ Shiva said. ‘A well-developed belly means a satisfied individual. He can digest his food, has a good night’s sleep and does not have a care in the world.’

‘You mean he has the world in his pocket?’ Durga asked.
‘Sort of,’ Shiva said. ‘Their minister is none other than Didi. She takes good care of her police force. She has subcontracted most of the policing work to her own people. And, the regular police take it easy. They just come, sleep and go.’
‘But – the police chief is so slim,’ Durga pointed out. ‘He has set an example, his force should follow suit.’
‘My dear, there is many a slip between the cup and the lip. And, in case you have not seen, the police in Mumbai are also wide at the middle. And, policemen we see in films follow the trend. The audience make fun of them, they are at the butt of jokes. But, nothing happens.’
‘You mean we can never see slim and smart policemen in our forces? You mean Britain and the US will get the better of us? Our police cannot compete with Scotland Yard and FBI?’
‘Don’t lose heart,’ Shiva mumbled. ‘Weight is no problem – in fact it opens up new opportunities.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You can have new gyms, new equipment like treadmills, new weight reduction programs on TV, new weight reduction pills. And, people can mint money on the sly.’ (to be contd …)


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Lord Shiva laments over full Moon and a burnt roti (satire)

Lord Shiva was a lonely man – he wandered aimlessly in Mount Kailash and his devoted Nandi and Bhringi followed him wherever he went. He used his trident to poke the stones in the fond hope of turning up something interesting – and he is still waiting for his luck to favor him.
Durga, as was her wont, was watching him from the kitchen window and knew that her Lord wanted some sort of diversion. So she came into view with a pair of binoculars dangling in her hand.
‘I think you forgot to bring this,’ she said and held it out for Shiva.
‘I left it back on purpose, there is nothing new to see.’
‘You are mistaken,’ Durga shook her head ‘A New Year has started and new things will be happening. Don’t you want to see the transformation taking place?’
‘It is the same leaders with the same slogans and same promises,’ Shiva sighed. ‘They just do not want to change. They are all building castles in the air. They live in glass houses and keep throwing stones. They spit in the air and it rebounds on them.’
‘Our very own Didi is an exception,’ Durga said. ‘Her heart bleeds for her people. She has a very big heart and cozies up to those who will help her in her mission.’
‘Don’t tell me,’ Shiva shrugged off Durga’s ideas. ‘She is a chameleon – changes her color too fast and takes everyone by surprise.’

‘Why do you say that? She wants to do good for her people. She wants to bring in industries and has gone to foreign countries to invite them over. They have come and, hopefully, things will improve.’
Shiva gave a hearty laugh.
‘Wishful thinking,’ he said. ‘You mean to say that hands that are meant to compose poems will pick up a hammer and chisel to earn a living?’
It was now Durga’s turn to laugh. ‘Have you not heard that the Coffee House culture is on the way out?’
‘That is impossible. What are Bengalis minus the Coffee House culture?’
‘They are putting up CCTVs in the Coffee House. And – whoever enters must clock in the time of entry. Obviously, the patrons will get Didi’s message and give up their pens.’
‘I see a bleak future,’ Shiva murmured. ‘There will be no more laments of the full Moon looking like a burnt roti.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva wants winter favorites, Durga raises her hands (satire)

Lord Shiva was sulking. Winter had arrived in Mount Kailash and the Lord wanted to taste the winter favorites like nalen gurer sandesh and joynagarer moah. But, Durga had raised her hands in surrender. The will was there but not the means.
‘I just do not understand why you are refusing,’ he said. ‘Has my blood sugar level gone up?’
‘No,’ Durga replied. ‘It is not that. I know that your BP and blood sugar are in control.’
‘Then why can I not have the sweets?’
‘The basic ingredients required to make the delicacies are not there.’
‘Nonsense. I can see the palm trees and, if the trees are there, the saps also must be there.’

‘Times have changed,’ Durga sighed. ‘People are not there to tap the sap, neither are there dedicated men like Amitabh who can make the delicious gur.’
‘But nalen gur is sold in the shops,’ Shiva said. ‘Who makes them?’
‘There are factories to make gur – it is a part of the resurgence of industries in the state.’
‘I see,’ Shiva mumbled. ‘The old timers are bent with age and the young ones are more interested in moving out to cities to study and look around for jobs. So, whatever little gets created are from factories for sale over the internet to earn dollars, right?’
‘Yes, sort of.’
‘If the youth hanker after jobs, it means there are innumerable jobs in the market?’
‘Of course. Jobs are aplenty – may not be the regular 9 to 5 jobs but some job that pays money. As people say – money is flying in the wind, you must know how to lay hands on them.’
‘What is the nature of these jobs?’
‘One is muscle power – it pays good money so long as he can deliver.’
‘Any other options?’
‘The tinsel world. With so many TV channels, the need for actors is huge. Once he gets a toehold, he wriggles his way in.’
Lord Shiva sighed.
‘Then what about my winter favorites?’
‘I could make some green pea kachuri – I have got ghee made from cow milk and supplied by our Yoga guru. The kachuri fried in pure desi ghee would taste great.’
‘OK,’ Shiva shrugged his shoulders. ‘I’ll go for that.’
Durga smiled.
‘You will then have to shell the peas,’ she said. ‘I am going to watch the next episode of Cooking for Fun.’(to be continued ..)


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Lord Shiva and Goddess Durga discuss swipe machines (satire)

The electronic age has finally caught up with Lord Shiva, Goddess Durga and the whole of Mount Kailash. People are really growing up at last and, in spite of polluted River Ganga and people sitting on railway tracks every morning, they are learning to swipe plastic cards.

‘Did you hear the news?’ Shiva asked Durga.
‘News are always happening,’ Dutga replied. Her eyes were on the TV screen. She was watching in rapt admiration as a woman fried brinjals and, simultaneously, explained the intricate process of how to make the final product attractive. Unless it appealed to her family members, there was no majaa.
‘The lovely tinkle of coins and the feel of crisp bank notes would soon be a thing of the past,’ Shiva mumbled. ‘That is a good idea,’ Durga replied. ‘It will create a healthy society.’
‘What do you mean?’ Shiva was surprised. ‘Do you know how many people have died standing in ATM queues to collect new bank notes? And the tension they suffer from to get change for Rs 2000 notes?’
‘My dear husband, don’t you realize that coins and notes carry germs and spread diseases. They pass from one hand to another and pick up unwanted germs. Is it not a good decision to ban such disease carriers?’
‘Agreed’ Shiva smiled. ‘But – it will put the doctors out of business. And – also the manufacturers of medicines.’
‘They will go in for manufacture of swipe machines,’ Durga said. ‘The market of these machines is growing. Even beggars are keeping these with them. They also have to survive.’
‘I never looked at it in this way,’ Shiva said. ‘It will give a huge boost to the Make in India campaign. But – there is another problem.’
‘What is that?’
‘What’ll happen to the piggy banks where housewives used to store their ill-gotten gains made out of their hubby’s wallets?’
‘They have become obsolete. Wallets today are all electronic wallets.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva cracks jokes and Durga fries samosas (satire)

Sitting high up on top of Mount Kailash, Lord Shiva was watching Ganesh stifling a yawn. Normally, he is a very active individual but, of late, he appeared to be off mood.
‘Did you get a good night’s sleep?’ Shiva asked his son.
‘Life is boring,’ Ganesh replied. ‘My disciples do not pray to me anymore. They are busy trying to wriggle out of a tricky situation of outdated banknotes.’
‘I know,’ Lakshmi said. She had joined her brother. ‘Your disciples do not pray to you but, I am besieged with prayers from my devotees. They are the women who run the households – they do not know how to account their hidden treasures.’
‘The situation is certainly gloomy,’ Shiva murmured. ‘But - I have my eyes and ears open to see the antics of the leaders.’
Durga now joined her husband. She had been in the kitchen preparing samosas – the hot snacks could liven up any dull atmosphere.

‘Since when have you got interested in politicians?’ she asked, wiping her palm on the pallu.
‘Watching them flitting from one place to another is fun,’ Shiva grinned. ‘One of them goes around the world, the other goes around the country.’
‘They want to spread their base and eliminate all types of opposition,’ Durga said.
‘That is downright silly,’ Shiva went on. ‘For life to be meaningful, there must be some sort of opposition. You must have someone to fight with. Otherwise, life becomes dull and boring.’
‘Both of them have to do something to keep themselves busy. Remember, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
‘So – they hit the trail,’ Shiva was not happy. ‘They don’t have any family to support as such. One of them is married and boasts of his 56-inch chest. But, his wife is always away on pilgrimage. The other boasts of her hawaii chappals and has not yet tied the knot.’
‘That is why none of them understands the hardships of the family man’ Durga sighed. ‘Let us not waste our time discussing them. I plan to give you a surprise for breakfast. Let me move to the kitchen.’
‘I smell samosas in the air,’ Ganesh said. ‘Must be to test the ghee you have obtained from the yoga guru, right?’ ‘All the better to fry them with,’ Durga said and moved towards her kitchen. (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva and long ATM queues - bullock carts and ATM don't gel (satire)

Winter had arrived and Lord Shiva loved winter – it was the season of everything that is good right from sweets made of nalen gur to picnics and exhibitions and fairs. But, suddenly, he was stumped as he watched people in ATM queues, people who normally loved chaos and hated anything orderly were suddenly queuing up outside those cubicles that dispensed money at any time of the day.

Suddenly Durga appeared with a cup of hot steaming tea – the aroma was great, pure handpicked leaves of Darjeeling tea.
‘Anything interesting in your sights?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ Shiva replied lowering his binoculars. ‘There are queues in front of every ATM.’
‘ATMs dispense money 24X7 – why should be there any queue?’
‘I don’t know. That is why I am surprised.’
‘I think our Ganesh might know,’ Durga said and rang him up on the smartphone.
‘Yes mummy – what is the problem?’
‘Do you know about queues in ATMs?’
‘They are playing a new game,’ Ganesh said. ‘ATMs are not giving money any longer and people are waiting to be the first in line to collect whatever comes out.’
‘This is a very strange game,’ Shiva said. ‘I have been seeing people in jogging suits make a beeline to be the first in queue. Don’t they have to go to work?’
‘They must first have money to buy food,’ Ganesh said. ‘And – banknotes have become dud. Markets are down because there are hardly any customers. Even the online shopping has come to a standstill because they are withdrawing the COD option.’
‘I fail to understand why ATMs do not have money?’ Durga wanted to know.
‘Mummy, it is all a question of size,’ Ganesh explained. ‘New notes have been released but ATMs don’t have trays to accept them.’
‘Oh!’ Shiva was surprised. ‘When you mentioned size I thought that you were referring to the 56-inch size.’ Ganesh laughed.
‘That is now after the bullet train,’ he said.
Shiva also laughed.
‘I’d love to see bullet trains compete with bullock carts,’ he said. ‘It’d be a fantastic sight. In our part of the world, bullets are no competition against bullocks.’
'If you ask me, bullock carts and ATm somehow don't gel,' Durga added. (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva’s views on Kalighat and marriages (satire)

Lord Shiva was taking his early morning walk among the hillocks of Mount Kailash. It was a daily routine meant to keep his body fit. His eyes suddenly fell on Kalighat – it was home to a fiery lady who loved to live simple so that her devoted followers could roll in money.
Lord Siva beckoned to Durga who was tinkering in the kitchen – she had learnt a couple of new recipes and wanted to try them out. Shiva would have to be her guinea pig.
‘What is bothering you now?’ she sounded annoyed.
‘Things are happening in Kalighat,’ Shiva said.
‘Things always happens in Kalighat,’ Durga replied in a matter-of-fact voice. ‘You know why it is famous, don’t you?'

‘You don’t understand,’ Shiva sighed. ‘The lady appears to be moving out from the place.’
‘Nonsense,’ Durga came and stood beside her Lord. ‘She is attached to it and will not leaving right now.’
‘You mean she will leave but is waiting for an auspicious time?’
‘Sort of,’ Durga replied. ‘She has set her eyes on bigger stuff. She is bubbling with energy and this place is choking her.’
‘Tell me one thing – how will she adjust herself to a life away from her home? A life minus jhal muri, telebhaja, langcha?’
Durga smiled.
‘Women can adjust to any change – it is a gift that they possess. After marriage, the girls adapt to their new homes in no time.’
It was now Shiva’s turn to smile.
‘From what I see and hear, today’s marriages do not last a lifetime,’ he said.
‘You are mistaken,’ Durga objected. ‘There are so many TV reality shows where women participants talk about their married lives, how they met, how they tied the knot, how they are living happily ever after.’
‘Fine. But – I would like to know how many of the knots are still intact? How long did the bond last? From what I know, filmdom is chock-full of actors and actresses who have married more than once. It seems to be a trend, a sort of fashion. Tell me - to succeed, do you need to change partners.’ (to be continued …)


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Shiva learns about dhanteras from Durga (satire)

Lord Shiva wore a worried look in his abode in the wilderness of Mount Kailash. Durga had returned with her children and was settling down to the dull dreary routine life but the bombardment of ads on the TV was a major distraction for Shiva.
He was unable to concentrate of how to lay hands on fresh tiger skins. Yes, he had got used to the duplicate stuff but, the feel of the original was missing.
Durga guessed that Lord Shiva had something on his mind because he was twirling his trident between his fingers.
‘A paisa for your thoughts,’ she said as she sidled up to him and occupied a seat beside him on a hillock.
‘What is this dhanteras?’ he asked.
‘You know what is dhan?’
‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘It means wealth.’
‘Well – dhanteras is a word coined to mean accumulation of wealth.’
‘I see,’ Shiva mumbled. ‘That is why jewelry shops are offering discounts on making charges of ornaments to attract customers, right?’

‘Partially. In fact, dhanteras has become a huge business opportunity for even the online fraternity. They are selling items from jewelry to sweets and clothes and footwear apart from TV sets and smart phones.’
‘You forgot to add – buying two and four wheelers on instalment. In short, dhanteras is yet another festival to milk the people.’
‘Yes, it is another festival to spread a feeling of goodness and well-being.’
‘Then why are they banning firecrackers during Diwali?’
‘That is to prevent air pollution and keep the children safe.’
‘But they burst crackers on the roads when they win elections.’
‘Those are exceptions. Remember, exception proves the rule.’
‘Then what about those who do business in firecrackers? Do you want them to switch over to making jewelry or making rasogollas or pickles?’
Durga sighed.
‘They can go in for alternate jobs like making clay lamps for Diwali. Clay lamps, wicks, bottled oils. These are in great demand because there is a ban on imported toony bulbs and Diwali means lights to drive away the darkness and evil.’
‘I doubt if Evil will ever be frightened by lights and run away,’ Shiva said. ‘They need to be bombed out.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva and Durga discuss opportunities for hand fans (satire)

Durga had returned to her abode in Mount Kailash and was settling down to another dreary routine life when Lord Shiva called her.
‘Did you hear anything about this new fad of immersion carnivals?’ he asked.
‘Immersion carnival?’ Durga was surprised.
She came over to Shiva and looked at the TV screen – it was a live demonstration of immersion processions presided over by the grand lady of Bengal. It is rumored that not a single leaf dares to turn or a bird dares to sing or a dog dares to bark without her permission.
‘Seems to be an interesting affair,’ Durga said as she sat down beside Shiva.
‘People are comparing it to the Rio Carnival,’ Shiva remarked.
‘That is noisier, livelier and more colorful,’ Durga said.

‘But, can this Sharad carnival draw audience from abroad?’
‘Time only can tell that,’ Durga replied.
‘I hear she had the idea during her recent visit to Europe,’ Shiva said. ‘She has already installed a Big Ben in the city and will have a giant Eye soon on the Hoogly. Probably she feels that foreigners will be impressed if they can get all such landmarks compressed into one city. A street carnival will add some weight.’
‘She certainly has outlandish ideas,’ Durga added. ‘There are rumors that next year onwards, the festival will be a 10-day affair.’
‘That means your annual trip will be a 10-day one?’
‘Yes. And – you’ll have to fend for yourself for ten whole days.’
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll manage,’ Shiva assured. Inwardly he was happy, he would enjoy still more ganja. ‘You worry about yourself. You will have to remain cooped up in the pandals for ten days. It will be a terrible experience in the hot, humid surroundings.’
Durga laughed.
‘The organizers will install air conditioners and air blowers,’ she said. ‘They will replace the agarbatti manufacturers and become the main sponsors.’
‘Why not hand fans?’ Shiva asked. ‘It could give a boost to the hand fan manufacturing industry. If properly marketed, it could earn recognition among the foreign tourists who would be to watch the gala immersion parade on Red Road.’
Durga did not have any ready answer. (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva’s Durga puja is about selfish people and selfies (satire)

Lord Shiva was totally relaxed. Durga had gone to her mother’s and the surroundings of Mount Kailash were calm and quiet. No sound of cooking came from the kitchen. Durga had, like a dutiful and loving Indian wife had cooked in advance and stocked the freezer with a variety of ready-to-eat dishes.
It was afternoon and Shiva was sitting in the shade of a tree after a dose of chillum when his smartphone rang. Durga was on the line.
‘Are you feeling lonely?’ he asked.
‘Not lonely but confused,’ Durga sighed.
‘Why?’
‘In one pandal, I am surrounded by broken bricks, in another pandal, it is sea shells, in a third it is coconuts. My devotees are exploiting me. To them, I have become a means to make money. There is no devotion.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Shiva consoled her. ‘It’s all for a good cause.’
‘How?’
‘This annual ritual surrounding your visit to your mother’s place has spawned a whole number of industries and generated thousands of jobs. It has reduced unemployment.’
‘I think your dose of ganja has gone to your head. You must be hallucinating.’
‘I am serious,’ Shiva said. ‘The annual puja that you are seeing is the result of a whole year’s effort by a group of people. And, these people are artists, artisans and think tanks. They are intellectuals and scour the internet to come up with revolutionary ideas to mint money.’
‘Don’t talk in riddles,’ Durga was irritated.
‘The brains behind these pujas work overtime to conjure up ways and means of making money. They select a design for the pandal and then sets the ball rolling. They have to generate enough employment potentials for their trusted followers to keep them happy.’
‘I really think you are stoned.’
‘No. I am absolutely sane. You must remember Rome was not built in a day.’
‘What has Rome got to do with Kolkata?’
‘Plenty. Believe me –the puja organizers are real genius. They dream up a theme like making the pandal out of seashells. And – procure them from people who will pay them back when required. It’s a major political game. Sponsors shell out the money and the organizers make the most of the opportunity.’
‘Now I understand why the awards go to those with political connections.’
‘Durga Puja today is about selfish people and selfies,’ Shiva said. (to be concluded …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Mahalaya is here and Durga is set for her annual trip (satire)

At last it was Mahalaya. The much awaited day had arrived and Goddess Durga was as excited as a child – waiting to go to her mother’s place for a few days of rest away from the humdrum of routine life. Suddenly Lakshmi came up to her.
‘Mummy,’ she looked worried. ‘I heard that mosquitoes are killing people down there. What should I do? I don’t want to get bitten by those pests and catch dengue.’
‘I know,’ Durga said. ‘It is a problem for not only you but for all of us. We will not die or fall sick but we can be bitten and that will hurt.’
‘Shall I get in touch with that yogi baba who creates magic potions?’
‘You mean Baba Someday?’
‘Yes. He can give us some sort of paste to rub on our body so that it acts as a shield against mosquito attack.’

Just then Lord Shiva came up to them.
‘That is why I feel you should stop this annual visit,’ he said. ‘The people down there do not bother about us. They have become selfish and are showoffs.’
‘I beg to differ,’ Durga objected. ‘You look at the women on Ashtami day. They fast and come to pray and get my blessings.’
Shiva smiled.
‘Actually they come to display their sarees and jewelry. There is no sincerity. They fast all right but, come for Anjali after booking a table at the restaurant.’
‘I agree with you,’ Ganesh said. He had also sauntered over to hear what was being discussed. ‘These people are so hungry. Immediately the anjali is over, they rush to enjoy the five course meal. Sorry – not five but it is a much longer meal.’
‘A twelve course meal,’ Shiva said. ‘It starts with begun bhaja, luchi and chholar dal and ends with rasogolla and mishti doi. In between comes the pulao, topshey fry, murgir theng, dab chingri, kasha mangsho, aloo bakhra chutney. That adds up to a twelve course meal, right?’
Durga nodded as did Ganesh.
‘Moreover the so-called devotees are more devoted to setting fashion trends,’ Shiva went on. ‘The puja is supposed to start on Saptami but, pujas ae inaugurated much before that. Do you know why?'
‘Yes, I know,’ she replied. ‘It is because celebrities are overworked. They have to inaugurate so many big budget pujas and they can’t do that in one day. So – they have to spread it out over a period of time.’
Shiva grinned.
‘I will not criticize your beloved devotees,' he said. ‘Have a happy journey and be careful of the potholes.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva in the world of deodorants (satire)

Lord Shiva had a lot of time on his hands because his better half Goddess Durga was busy preparing for her annual visit to her mother’s place. And, her children were also excited at the prospect of seeing and feeling the additions to the skyline that keep springing up everywhere.
Suddenly his trusted disciple Bhringi came up and drew him aside.
‘I hate to see you so lonely,’ he whispered.
‘I am waiting for them to leave,’ Shiva said. ‘Then I’ll have the whole of Mount Kailash to myself.’
‘I have an idea,’ Bhringi sidled up to him.
‘What?’ Shiva also lowered his voice.
‘Why don’t we go and visit one of those shopping malls?’

‘But I don’t need to buy anything.’
‘You don’t need to,’ Bhringi assured.
‘Why should anyone go to a shopping mall if he does not want to buy anything?’
‘The majority of them go for window shopping,’ Bhringi said. ‘Your bare body is OK, so is your long matted hair but, that tiger skin would not do.’
‘Why?’
'Tigers are a protected species and if anyone sees you in a tiger skin, they’ll put you behind bars.’
‘What is the solution?’
‘Give me a spare tiger skin and I’ll shape it into a Bermuda,’ Bhringi grinned. ‘Once the girls see you in that, they will want to take selfies with you.’
‘Selfies?’
‘Yes. That is the latest craze. They’ll presume that you are a celebrity of Bollywood or Tollywood or Hollywood or some other wood – and getting a selfie with you will boost their popularity among friends.’
And, so it came to pass that Lord Shiva and his trusted disciple landed up in one of the shopping malls in the City of Joy. At the entrance to one of the shops, enclosed in glass, were a bunch of boys and girls engaged in animated conversation.
‘What are they talking about?’ Shiva asked.
Bhringi eavesdropped and smiled.
‘They are discussing about a new brand of deo?’
‘Deo?’
‘Abbreviation for deodorant,’ Bhringi explained. ‘Obnoxious body odors ruin lives, especially for youngsters. And – good fragrance acts as magnet to attract the fair ones.’
‘You mean like animals who follow the scent to make a kill?’
‘Yes. Moreover, these deo manufacturers have spawned a whole new range of beauties who appear in ads. Their motto is to follow the scent and bag the prize.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Goddess Durga and her kids wait for the annual bash (satire)

‘How are the preparations going on?’ Lord Shiva asked to nobody in particular. He seemed to be off mood because, once Durga leaves with her kids for her mother’s home, he would be left alone to fend for himself. It was an annual affair and he had got used to it – he would enjoy the freedom.
‘The number of pujas are increasing,’ Saraswati said. ‘Kids today do not pray any longer for my intervention - they have got addicted to coaching classes and are scoring nearly full marks.’
‘I know,’ Lakshmi joined in the conversion. ‘They have unearthed innumerable methods to make money and are deserting me.’
‘You are so very right,’ Ganesh intervened. ‘Earlier, only a section of people used to worship me in Bengal. But, today, the numbers have increased. They seek my blessings for their investments in chit funds. My image is taking a beating.’
Kartika had been a silent spectator till now.

‘And what is your opinion?’ Durga prodded him. ‘You are the one who is supposed to make the fashion statement.’
‘Fashion is not there anymore,’ Kartika sighed. ‘Actors go bare bodied, actresses wear the skimpiest of dresses. And – it is not due to fashion but due to convenience.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Have you seen them dance?’
‘Yes. Every movie has dance sequences. That is the tradition.’
‘Right. But – the nature of the dance has changed. Today it is all about throwing your hands and legs in all directions. And – to perform such antics, one cannot be tied down in too much dress. It is the requirement – like in sports. Those who run to win medals wear the scantiest of dress – just to ensure respectability.’
‘Where does that leave you?’ Durga asked.
‘Stranded,’ Kartika replied.
‘Actually, Bengalis are gradually losing their culture,’ Durga sighed. ‘They want everything on a platter. Gone are the days when the women would think up new recipes to win the hearts of her family members.’
‘They don’t have time to think about such trivialities,’ Shiva murmured from his corner.
‘You can’t blame the women,’ Durga protested. ‘They now chip in with their salaries to enjoy the goodies that life has to offer.’
‘I know,’ Shiva grinned. ‘I can see that from the huge crowds in the pandals – they do not have time to pray to you. They are busy taking selfies and wondering about the table booked in the restaurant to enjoy over long forgotten Bengali menus.’
Ganesh strolled up stroking his paunch.
‘I should now,’ he said. ‘The restaurants have master chefs who try hard to replicate the recipes of their mothers and grandmothers.’
‘And – the owners roll in money while the patrons roll in agony - at the size of the bill.’
‘One has to pay to enjoy the good things of life,’ Durga became philosophical. ‘Everything comes with a price tag.’(to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva and the auto hub that did not happen (satire)

Durga was happy that there was hardly one month left to go before she would make the annual journey to her mother’s place. But, she was worried about Lord Shiva. He seemed to be having a lot of worries.
‘What is preying on your mind?’ she asked him.
He gave a dry smile.
‘No, it is not what you think,’ he assured her. ‘I know that you are excited about your trip. I have got used to it. My disciples Nandi and Bhringi will keep me company as always.’
‘And – you will go high on the weeds,’ Durga said.
‘That is my way to maintain my balance,’ Shiva grinned.
‘Then what is biting you?’
‘It is that auto hub that finally did not happen,’ Shiva sighed. ‘The court has given its decision and the farmers will get back their land.’

‘They are happy,’ Durga said. ‘They are farmers and love the soil. They want to grow their crops and are not interested in making automobiles.’
‘Actually, they are a divided lot,’ Shiva murmured. ‘One group wants it. Another group does not want it. And, the leaders are laying a dangerous game.’
‘I saw in the TV news just now - a group of people have gone to Germany. They want to bring home German automobiles. But – where will they give them land?’
‘German cars are really small,’ Durga explained. ‘They do not need too much land. Moreover, they can go in for three or four tier manufacture. That way, the need for land will reduce. And, I believe, one section of farmers actually want an auto hub in the same plot of land.’
‘But – I saw bulldozers tearing up the roads and mowing down the grass.’
‘That is how change takes place. Keep the main idea intact and add frills so that there is happiness all around.’ ‘You mean it’s a game?’
‘Yes. They will rebuild them,’ Durga said. ‘I know. The syndicate is ready to take over when the bulldozers call it a day. The leaders play to the gallery. They repackage old wine in a new bottle. Everyone does it.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Lord Shiva is a confused man of Mount Kailash (satire)

Lord Shiva, sitting in Mount Kailash, was a confused individual. He had his own worries about getting a new set of clothes but tigers were at a premium, as were their skins. He was, therefore, forced to don imitation tiger skins.
Durga did not miss the signs. She knew that the Lord was annoyed. So, she sidled up to him, humming a popular tune under her breath.
Lord Shiva looked up and moved aside to make room for her to sit down.
‘What’s biting you now?’ Durga asked.
‘I am confused,’ he said.
‘We all are,’ Durga said. ‘Unless there is confusion, no one gets noticed.’
‘Tell me – our friend Moody is inviting foreigners to come here and set up business. His buzzword is ‘Make in India’, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘And – side by side, the Pat & Jolie outfit of Baba Someday is promoting his own products. He says foreign goods are no good, go for my brands. He started with honey and is now rolling in money. His beard has got a new shine.’

‘He is doing it for charity,’ Lord Shiva said. ‘At least that is what he keeps harping on in each of his advertisements.’
‘He is making it clear that he is not benefiting at all. He is doing it for a good a noble cause – to promote homemade products.’
‘Then there is that woman Ranee-ji – she wants women to wear khadi sarees. Tell me – how many women wear sarees today. All I see are girls and women in jeans and skirts. Some even in swim suits. That has become today’s dress code.’
‘Don’t lose your sleep over such trifles. All of them are right in their own ways,’ Durga said.
‘You mean the British will come here and weave khadi, make designer clothes out of that and sell them? And, the Swiss will come here to make chocolates and export them?’
‘Very possible,’ Durga said. ‘And – I believe people will come from Zimbabwe to make artificial tiger skins. You will then get a better quality of substitute.’
Lord Shiva did not have a ready answer to that one. (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Lord Shiva loves and enjoys dancing (satire)

It was time for the telly and Lord Shiva, like any other addict of the idiot box, was watching a dance program of children. He loves dancing – not only his tandaba dance but other dances as well. Durga sat beside him. ‘It is nice to see kids learn dancing so early in life,’ Shiva said. ‘Some of these kids are hardly five or six year old.’
‘Yes,’ Durga sighed. ‘They are getting trained on how to make others dance to their tunes. When they come of age, they’ll turn into stars of the big screen.’

‘Catch them young seems to be the message,’ Shiva said.
‘Yes,’ Durga agreed. ‘The world is tough and early grooming ensures for them a better future. Their parents go to any length to see their kids appear on these shows.’
‘What about their studies?’
‘Who worries about studies if they can mint money by virtue of their skills in dancing?’
‘You must not forget singing also,’ Shiva reminded. ‘If you ask me, the kids should go in for singing or mimicry rather than dancing.’
‘Why?’
‘Well – a dancer minus beauty would not get any place,’ Shiva said.
‘But –they are so sweet and beautiful.’
‘Will that last for another twenty years?’
Durga laughed.
‘My dear Lord,’ she said. ‘Keeping them beautiful is the work of experts. And – there is no shortage of beauticians and stylists. Once these kids make the grade on this platform, they need not look back.’
‘But they may put on weight and become ugly. They will then lose their market value.’
Durga laughed again.
‘That will never happen,’ she said. ‘They will have sponsors running after them with teams of beauticians and stylists and, loads of offers.’
‘Fine,’ Shiva was not convinced. ‘How many dancers can climb on the bandwagon?’
‘Plenty. The number of movies being made runs into thousands if you consider the number of languages. And – dance is a common factor. The really good dancers become stars, the others become the crowds.’
‘Do you think RUM could teach them a thing or two?’
‘Ram?’ Durga was surprised. ‘He was no dancer.’
‘I know. I am talking about RUM – the combination of Rambha, Urvashi and Menoka.’
‘Oh,’ Durga grinned. ‘Why don’t you ask them yourself?’
‘I will – when they come next time.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva stumped by the sea of humanity on 21st (satire)

Lord Shiva, sitting on top of Mount Kailash, was peering through his binoculars and watching the sea of humanity in the city as it made its way to the central place – the reason: it was the 21st. It was an undeclared holiday for many and a day of rejoicing.
The city used to witness bandhs when there would be a total breakdown of transport and a forced holiday. Nowadays there are no bandhs as such but calls for assembling in a central place has the same effect as a bandh.
Durga had come out of her kitchen. She was wiping her wet hands on the pallu of her saree and observing the Lord.
‘Things are always happening down there,’ she said. ‘What is it now?’
‘I don’t know. Is there any festival that I am not aware of?’ Shiva asked.
‘Yes,’ Durga replied. ‘It is a festival of free meals.’
‘How come?’
‘The leader wants to talk to her subjects and has called them to the city,’ Durga explained.

‘What does she want to talk about?’
‘About her vision,’ Durga said. ‘She is a visionary and loves her Hawaii chappal and the plain white saree. And - she does cover her head on certain occasions to impress certain groups.’
‘That is nothing new,’ Shiva muttered. ‘All political leaders do it – they love to get themselves photographed in the dress of other cultures. Leaders are like chameleons. But – tell me. How did she get the villages to come to the city all together? What is the magic?’
‘It is the magic of free food,’ Durga said. ‘They have arrived in the night and had dinner. Next morning it was breakfast followed by lunch.’
‘But they were supposed to listen to her messages.’
‘It is all a one-woman show,’ Durga sighed. ‘She loves to hear her own voice. She allows her imagination to run wild and build castles in the air. She is not bothered about who has heard her and who has not.’
‘She is no exception. That is what all politicians do.’
‘Moreover, our lady is an accomplished artist,’ Durga reminded. ‘Her canvases sell for lakhs of rupees. She can paint real rosy pictures.’
‘Yes,’ Shiva said and placed the binoculars on the hillock. ‘She is an asset.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva feels rains are the best option for cleaning (satire)

Lord Shiva had a huge smile on his face because it was the monsoon season and it was raining cats and dogs. The cities were flooded and most of the rivers were in spate. People ventured out only if really necessary – otherwise, they remained indoors to enjoy the beautiful sight and sound of the gushing waters. Either through the drainpipes or the roadside nullahs or the rivers.
Rain meant water and water meant life. That is why man was intensifying search for water on other planets.
Suddenly Durga came out of her kitchen.

‘Is the khichudi ready?’ Shiva asked.
‘Nearly,’ she said.
‘And what is the menu?’
‘Khichudi with an assorted set of fries like begun bhaja, aloor chop and papad.’
‘Good,’ Shiva said. ‘These are what make the monsoons memorable. By the way – the rains are a blessing in disguise for those who are crying themselves hoarse over Swatchh Bharat. The rain waters are washing away the dirt and muck from the rivers.’
‘Yes – it is lovely to see all those water hyacinths floating away downstream.’
‘I heard that there is a separate ministry set up to clean the Ganga.’
‘Yes, it is actually to keep the people engaged,’ Durga explained. ‘The Ganga has not become dirty all of a sudden. It has been a gradual affair and a result of not just ignorance but also of a couldn’t-care-less attitude of politicians who are patrons of industries.’
‘I know,’ Durga agreed. ‘Industrial waste goes into the waters just like all the wastes from cities that line the banks of the river.’
‘And the funds go down the drain,’ Durga added. ‘No amount of money can really clean all that dirt. To me, it is all eyewash.’
‘They have coined some nice sounding slogans like Namami Gange,’ Shiva smiled. ‘It sounds better than Ganga Action Plan but I doubt if they can go beyond slogans. The minister who is in charge now may suddenly be replaced by someone more near to the bosses.’
‘That is the saddest part,’ Durga sighed. ‘No one is serious. They all believe in cosmetic changes.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva and the mystery of haunted houses (satire)

It was another bright sunny morning. Normally, it should have been cloudy because it was monsoon time and, as a rule, skies are supposed to be overcast and rains are supposed to be the order of the day. And – the lady of the house should be busy preparing for khichudi, begun bhaja and other such mouthwatering items. But – that has not been happening. Hence, Goddess Durga had to dream up some other equally attractive dishes and browse the net for ideas.
She saw Lord Shiva with the day’s newspapers and came over to him.
‘You have had already seen the important news on the TV news channels, right?’ she asked.
‘Yes,’ Lord Shiva nodded his head. ‘That keeps ones mind active.’
‘How?’
‘TV news is an exercise in keeping your senses alert - you have to correlate the audio and the video and, simultaneously, decipher what the news anchor is saying. At times they speak so fast that you just cannot make out what they are saying.’

‘I think they have a quota to fulfill,’ Durga explained. ‘Probably they are rated by the number of words they can speak in a minute. And – how many words they can utter without taking a breath. At times it sounds as if they are being chased by a mad dog and must finish their lines before being bitten!’
‘You do have a point,’ Shiva agreed. ‘Competition is tough and news anchors have to have that ability. Their job is glamourous and dangerous.’
‘OK, fine,’ Durga now said. ‘After seeing so many TV news, why do you need the newspaper?’
‘Because newspapers pick up juicy news items that never get to the TV audience, Shiva said.
‘For example?’ Durga prodded.
‘Haunted houses,’ Shiva said.
Durga laughed.
‘There is no such thing,’ she said. ‘Those are optical illusions.’
‘No my dear,’ Shiva replied. ‘People have seen shadows flitting through the houses. They have heard nasal voices crying at night. They have woken up from sleep after hearing rattling of utensils. And – dogs keep whining.’
‘And – all of these happen only at night, right?’
‘Of course. That is the tradition of ghosts. They wake up at night.’
Durga sighed.
‘You shouldn’t have seen the movie ‘Night at the Museum.’
‘But – the newspapers have given a full report on ghosts.’>br> ‘That is all a strategy to get the occupants to leave the house. Probably the owner wants to sell it off to some promoter.’ (to be continued …)


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