Mahalaya is here and Durga is set for her annual trip (satire)

At last it was Mahalaya. The much awaited day had arrived and Goddess Durga was as excited as a child – waiting to go to her mother’s place for a few days of rest away from the humdrum of routine life. Suddenly Lakshmi came up to her.
‘Mummy,’ she looked worried. ‘I heard that mosquitoes are killing people down there. What should I do? I don’t want to get bitten by those pests and catch dengue.’
‘I know,’ Durga said. ‘It is a problem for not only you but for all of us. We will not die or fall sick but we can be bitten and that will hurt.’
‘Shall I get in touch with that yogi baba who creates magic potions?’
‘You mean Baba Someday?’
‘Yes. He can give us some sort of paste to rub on our body so that it acts as a shield against mosquito attack.’

Just then Lord Shiva came up to them.
‘That is why I feel you should stop this annual visit,’ he said. ‘The people down there do not bother about us. They have become selfish and are showoffs.’
‘I beg to differ,’ Durga objected. ‘You look at the women on Ashtami day. They fast and come to pray and get my blessings.’
Shiva smiled.
‘Actually they come to display their sarees and jewelry. There is no sincerity. They fast all right but, come for Anjali after booking a table at the restaurant.’
‘I agree with you,’ Ganesh said. He had also sauntered over to hear what was being discussed. ‘These people are so hungry. Immediately the anjali is over, they rush to enjoy the five course meal. Sorry – not five but it is a much longer meal.’
‘A twelve course meal,’ Shiva said. ‘It starts with begun bhaja, luchi and chholar dal and ends with rasogolla and mishti doi. In between comes the pulao, topshey fry, murgir theng, dab chingri, kasha mangsho, aloo bakhra chutney. That adds up to a twelve course meal, right?’
Durga nodded as did Ganesh.
‘Moreover the so-called devotees are more devoted to setting fashion trends,’ Shiva went on. ‘The puja is supposed to start on Saptami but, pujas ae inaugurated much before that. Do you know why?'
‘Yes, I know,’ she replied. ‘It is because celebrities are overworked. They have to inaugurate so many big budget pujas and they can’t do that in one day. So – they have to spread it out over a period of time.’
Shiva grinned.
‘I will not criticize your beloved devotees,' he said. ‘Have a happy journey and be careful of the potholes.’ (to be continued …)


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Goddess Durga and her kids wait for the annual bash (satire)

‘How are the preparations going on?’ Lord Shiva asked to nobody in particular. He seemed to be off mood because, once Durga leaves with her kids for her mother’s home, he would be left alone to fend for himself. It was an annual affair and he had got used to it – he would enjoy the freedom.
‘The number of pujas are increasing,’ Saraswati said. ‘Kids today do not pray any longer for my intervention - they have got addicted to coaching classes and are scoring nearly full marks.’
‘I know,’ Lakshmi joined in the conversion. ‘They have unearthed innumerable methods to make money and are deserting me.’
‘You are so very right,’ Ganesh intervened. ‘Earlier, only a section of people used to worship me in Bengal. But, today, the numbers have increased. They seek my blessings for their investments in chit funds. My image is taking a beating.’
Kartika had been a silent spectator till now.

‘And what is your opinion?’ Durga prodded him. ‘You are the one who is supposed to make the fashion statement.’
‘Fashion is not there anymore,’ Kartika sighed. ‘Actors go bare bodied, actresses wear the skimpiest of dresses. And – it is not due to fashion but due to convenience.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Have you seen them dance?’
‘Yes. Every movie has dance sequences. That is the tradition.’
‘Right. But – the nature of the dance has changed. Today it is all about throwing your hands and legs in all directions. And – to perform such antics, one cannot be tied down in too much dress. It is the requirement – like in sports. Those who run to win medals wear the scantiest of dress – just to ensure respectability.’
‘Where does that leave you?’ Durga asked.
‘Stranded,’ Kartika replied.
‘Actually, Bengalis are gradually losing their culture,’ Durga sighed. ‘They want everything on a platter. Gone are the days when the women would think up new recipes to win the hearts of her family members.’
‘They don’t have time to think about such trivialities,’ Shiva murmured from his corner.
‘You can’t blame the women,’ Durga protested. ‘They now chip in with their salaries to enjoy the goodies that life has to offer.’
‘I know,’ Shiva grinned. ‘I can see that from the huge crowds in the pandals – they do not have time to pray to you. They are busy taking selfies and wondering about the table booked in the restaurant to enjoy over long forgotten Bengali menus.’
Ganesh strolled up stroking his paunch.
‘I should now,’ he said. ‘The restaurants have master chefs who try hard to replicate the recipes of their mothers and grandmothers.’
‘And – the owners roll in money while the patrons roll in agony - at the size of the bill.’
‘One has to pay to enjoy the good things of life,’ Durga became philosophical. ‘Everything comes with a price tag.’(to be continued …)


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Goddess Saraswati is furious with toppers toppled (satire)

Goddess Saraswati was furious with the way education was being taken for a toss. She loved her students and, whenever they needed any help, she was always there to extend a helping hand. They only had to ask. But – people have converted the temples of education into money spinning ventures.
Lord Ganesh, her brother, had been observing her from a distance. Suddenly, he came up to her – in his hand he held a fountain pen and a bottle of ink. He placed them carefully beside Saraswati.

‘What is this you have brought?’ she asked.
‘Just some interesting items I picked up from the old book shelf,’ Ganesh replied. ‘I suddenly remembered the good old days when there were ink tablets. You dissolved them in water to get the ink which you filled up in the fountain pens.’
‘Yes,’ Sarsawati sighed. ‘And the pens were of two types. One in which the top could be screwed out to fill the ink. Once filled you screw back the top.’
‘The other was the press and fill type,’ Ganesh added. ‘It was less messy. Of course, you would get ink stains on your fingers and your shirt pocket.’
‘Yes. Those have gone out of fashion, the age of gel pens is in.’
‘Is that why the board toppers have toppled?’ Ganesh asked.
‘It’s a result of modern day education system’ Saraswati said. ‘Today it’s all about mugging.’
‘Mugging? That involves violence, doesn’t it?’
‘Not that mugging silly,’ Saraswati smiled. ‘This is mugging off by heart answers to all sorts of questions in every subject.’
‘But is that possible?’
‘Well – in some subjects, that could be possible. But – not in subjects where analysis is required like in mathematics. Still, students score full marks in so many subjects, including maths. Does it not sound fishy?’
Ganesh smiled.
‘Credit for that should go to coaching classes,’ he said. ‘Education is now a big business racket. I should know. Teachers join up and open coaching classes. They create links with people who matter, get the question papers in advance by paying money and sell them to the students to recover their investments. It is a flourishing business.’
‘And that is the reason of why toppers have toppled,’ Saraswati said. ‘It seems one TV channel interviewed the toppers and the cat came out of the bag. Just imagine – one topper did not know the difference between politics and cookery. When the TV host asked her a question on politics, she replied that she does not know cooking.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva and achhe din through Gangajal (satire)

Lord Shiva was not happy. He had just got the news that people are drawing up plans to make money out of something that is nature’s gift.
Durga saw him pacing up and down in front of his cave in the Himalayas with his disciples Nandi and Bhringi crouching behind a clump of bushes and could guess that Lord Shiva worried.
‘What is the problem now?’ she asked. ‘Did you not sleep well?’
Shiva stopped his pacing and stood in front of Durga.
‘This is not good,’ he said.
‘What is not good?’

‘Those people down there want to make money by selling that which comes for free.’
‘What is it they want to sell?’
‘Water from the River Ganges – they want to package it and sell it to the people. They have taken up the task of cleaning the River and, I think their funds have run dry. So they want to sell its waters to generate funds.’
Durga laughed.
‘I think you forgot that some other country is already selling fresh air. It’s a seller’s world and the demands of people keep changing.’
It was at this time that Ganesh joined them.
‘If you ask me, it’s a good business proposition,’ he said. ‘The demand for the holy water is tremendous. There is a ready market not only here but abroad also. And – I hear that they will market it online. And, the project will also help boost the morale of postmen.’
‘Postmen?’ both Shiva and Durga said together.
‘Yes. Right now all post offices are dying. No one sends letters or telegrams or money orders and the morale of the staff have reached rock bottom. Hence they need a morale booster.’
‘You mean to say that the morale booster will come from Gangajal?’
‘Yes because it will be sold and distributed through post offices. Moreover, it will spawn a new range of products for packaging. The delivery process could be subcontracted to drone operators. The possibilities are unlimited.’
‘You mean acche din through Gangajal?’’ Lord Shiva asked.
‘Yes,’ Ganesh said. ‘And – there could be foreign experts involved in the process. That is today’s tradition.’
‘By the way – where are they setting up the water purification plant?’
‘In Varanasi,’ Ganesh said with a smile.
‘I knew,’ Lord Shiva threw up his hands in despair. ‘They can’t see beyond their noses.’
‘And – they will be going solar,’ Ganesh added. ‘The distilling plants will run on solar and gobar – the pair of alternate energy.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Ganesha is not happy with Poila Boishakh (satire)

Lord Ganesha was in a bad mood – it was Poila Boishakh and it should have been a good day with plenty of admirers who would be performing pujas to please him. He would be on call every minute from his devotees. But – the charm usually associated with the occasion was missing.
Lord Shiva watched him from a distance and turned to Durga who was sitting on a nearby hillock on Mount Kailash. ‘Our son appears to have something on his mind,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ Durga agreed. ‘I have been watching him since morning. He is not happy. Today is New Year and everyone connected with business big or small prays to Ganesha to be at their side to help the earnings.’

‘I know, that has been the tradition,’ Shiva said. ‘It is all about loyalty. Those who are in business welcome their customers and would-be customers. They put some money in the donation box and get in return a packet of sweets and a Bengali calendar. Some even offer fresh lime juice.’
‘Those times have gone into the history books,’ Saraswati joined the conversation.
‘You mean people have stopped doing business?’ Shiva asked.
‘No Daddy, they have revolutionized the concept of doing business,’ Saraswati explained. ‘Over the counter sales is making way for online trading. Money does not change hands – cards are swiped.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Plastic money is taking over from those loose coins and dirty soiled and tattered notes.’
“But how do they maintain records of their money? What about those huge book of accounts that they would worship on this auspicious day?’
Saraswati laughed at Shiva’s ignorance.
‘It is the world of IT – accounts are maintained on Excel worksheets.’
Lord Ganesha sauntered into view with his mouse tagging along. Both looked forlorn.
‘The number of people who worship their red colored ledger books has reduced drastically,’ he said. ‘They have forgotten my existence.’
‘My dear brother,’ Sarasawati consoled him. ‘Try to live with the times. When manual account keeping was King, you had millions of followers. But – today’s world is fast paced and automation is taking over.’
‘Then how do they celebrate Poila Boishakh?’
‘They eat out. They book seats in the hotels to enjoy pure Bengali cuisine.’
‘And – pay with credit cards?’ Ganesh asked.
‘Exactly – the account keeping is accurate and foolproof and the figures are always kept updated. No hanky-panky.’ (to be continued …)


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