Didi to search for the stolen gold medallion (satire)

Didi suddenly decided to turn detective and search for the stolen gold medallion which is a part of history – it had been stolen nearly 12-years back and, in spite of efforts by various agencies, it continues to remain missing.
So she called for a top secret meeting of her trusted men headed by Moo Cool, Dee Wreck, Abhi Shake, Patro Chatto and a few others.
‘I want the gold medallion,’ she announced.

Abhi Shake looked at Moo Cool and shrugged his shoulders. Didi never competed in any sort of race – why then should she want the gold medallion? Of course, she would have got a gold for her stamina and ability to walk for miles wearing a pair of flipflops.
‘Which gold medallion?’ Moo Cool asked.
‘The one that was stolen,’ Didi said.
‘There are many stolen items still not recovered,’ Patro Chatto said. ‘The police and CID are following up clues. I think they can locate such items.’
‘They have not done anything for 12 years,’ Didi fumed. ‘I now want to take over the task. I know I can bring it back and restore it to its rightful owner.’
‘It has been missing for 12 years?’ Dee Wreck was surprised. ‘And you want to become a detective like Miss Marple and search for it? Have you got inspiration from the small screen heroine of the popular TV serial that portrays a lady detective?’
‘My inspiration is to get at the truth,’ Didi said. ‘I believe in the saying – set a thief to catch a thief. I am confident that the missing gold medallion can be found. I want a plan. Who can you put on the job?’
‘Well – we can look at options like Arra Bull and Money Rule,’ Moo Cool suggested. ‘They have good contacts.’
‘Arra Bull came to see me the other day,’ Didi said. ‘I did not meet him. He is creating trouble. I am getting a bad name due to him.’
‘But –he is useful,’ Patro said. ‘And – he has contacts in the neighboring country. Thieves can easily cross the border and go into hiding and he can play an important role.’
‘Who you put on the job is your business,’ Didi said. ‘I want the gold medallion back. Let us get cracking – check out all the thieves who were active 12 years back.’
‘And – alive today,’ Dee Wreck added. ‘I’ll tap the social media to get clues. Someone somewhere may be of help.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Didi’s ideas to prevent suicides in Metro Rail (satire)

The monsoons had arrived and Didi was holding a meeting in her residence to define future strategies and line of action. Returning to power was something that all her people relished and Didi cautioned them about the black spots of the earlier term.
‘Remember flyovers,’ she said. ‘They can be a sore spot and must be given due respect.’
At this point, Abhi Shake burst into the room. He was shivering and looked to be terribly afraid.
‘Why are you late?’ Didi asked. ‘I will not tolerate indiscipline.’
‘I witnessed a suicide,’ Abhi Shake muttered.
‘Where?’ Moo Cool asked.
‘In the Metro. The boy was walking on the platform and, as the train entered, he jumped on the tracks. The train got stuck for nearly half an hour and I got delayed.’

‘I think we must stop such suicides,’ Didi said. ‘It leads to unwanted deaths and avoidable loss of time.’
‘I have already talked with the Metro rail people on the subject,’ Moo Cool said. ‘This problem has been haunting me for a long time. Actually, I have read that in foreign countries, they have provisions of preventing such suicides.’
‘And – what did the rail say?’ Didi wanted to know.
‘They will introduce some measures in the next phase of East-West Metro.’
‘But that is a long term plan. What do we do now, today?’
‘We could send a team to study how they do it in other countries,’ Moo Cool suggested.
‘Don’t be silly,’ Didi was not happy with that. ‘Why don’t we put Arrah Bull and Money Rule on the job?’
‘What will they do?’
‘Let them recruit local boys to patrol the platforms. Give them large fishing nets. When they see the train approaching, they must be ready to throw the net on anyone who wants to jump on the tracks.’
‘Wonderful idea,’ Moo Cool agreed. ‘That way we can reduce unemployment to some extent.’
‘Fine,’ Didi said, ‘Dee Wreck can post a write-up on this on our website. And – Patro Chatto can include a chapter in our school books on how to travel safely in Metro rail.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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All about chest size and happy days (satire)

Lord Shiva unable to fathom IPL T20 cricket (satire)

Monsoons and Didi’s flipflops aka Hawaii chappals (satire)


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Didi’s Delhi dreams – from telebhaja to aloo chat (satire)

Didi woke up fresh. She had a really good and sound sleep. That was because she had played the cards correctly and had come up with all the aces. She had grown up from the ranks and knew just how to present her case so that her audience will be spellbound and believe whatever she says – no matter how outlandish they may sound.
Suddenly her phone rang – it was her faithful Man Friday who was better known as Moo Cool. She smiled when she remembered the beautiful drama that the two of them had played. It was for a good cause and was a diversionary tactics. It was one of her strategies.

‘Did you have a good sleep?’ Moo Cool asked.
‘Of course,’ Didi replied. ‘I think we now need to plan for the future.’
‘You mean capture Delhi?’
‘Yes,’ Didi said. ‘I am fed up with this place. I want a change of scenario.’
‘I know how you feel. Our leaders in Delhi talk big but their works are all small time.’
‘I want to change all that.’
‘Here you had to tackle 34 years of misrule,’ Moo Cool sighed. ‘In the center it is more than 60 years misrule.’
‘If I can dislodge the men in Delhi, I can show them how to run the country,’ Didi said. ‘You make a start from our oath taking ceremonies. As a first step, invite some leaders who will support my cause.’
‘No problem,’ Moo Cool said. ‘I’ll include Kaloo Prasad, Akki Lays, Cage Reeball, Ab Dulha – all of them fit the bill.’ ‘Yes. All of them love our sweets. And - they do have a soft corner for me,’ Didi said. ‘Ensure that rasogolla and sandesh are sent along with the invitation. They will have a positive effect.’
Moo Cool rang off and Didi sat with the bunch of newspapers. She loved to read what the media had to say about her victory. At one time she had doubts whether she would be able to retain power. There were fingers of accusations against a section of her people. But – Moo Cool, with his contacts in Delhi, ensured that she remain unscathed.
And, she had her team of Arrah Bull, Money Rule, Abhi Shake and Dee Wreck at the ground level to see her through.
Didi yawned. Life was becoming boring. She was tired of local issues and wanted to divert her attention to international issues. She wanted to taste the charm of the unexpected in Delhi. If she dealt the cards rightly now, she could win the gamble. Then she could hand over charge to someone like Moo Cool and shift base to Delhi.
No doubt she will miss her telebhaja and jhal moori but will get used to chana batura and aloo tikia. (to be continued…)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva and Durga on home delivery and drones (satire)

Didi plans new conquests via Rabindrasangeet (satire)


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Didi plans new conquests via Rabindrasangeet (satire)

It was a new day and, while the world was abuzz with speculations, our Didi was calm as always. She knew the answers because she had drawn up strategies that can never fail. She did all the planning and left to her subordinates to give proper shape to the plans.
Moo Cool was with her as were members of the top notch team of Abhi Shake, Dee Wreck, Patro Chatto, Omit Misra, Fear Had, and Bruto Bose. Their eyes were glued on the huge TV set and, as the day progressed, there were sighs of relief - the results had been on expected lines.
‘Get ready for the second innings,’ Didi said as she reached for her phone. It was a congratulatory message from Delhi. ‘Where are the sweets?’ Abhi Shake asked no one in particular.

‘They will come on time,’ Moo Cool said and smiled.
‘Hope they will be suitable for me,’ Omit Misra mumbled. He was suffering from diabetes.
‘Don’t worry,’ Moo Cool assured him. ‘My boys know that. They’ll be here any minute. They are delayed because I have placed the orders only a few hours ago.’
‘But – the orders should have been sent last night,’ Abhi Shake said. ‘That is our tradition.’
‘This time the situation was different,’ Moo Cool said.
‘You mean you had doubts about our performance? You thought we’ll bite dust?’
Moo Cool did not bother to reply. The door opened and Arrah Bull entered with Money Rule - they had with them boxes of sweets. It was a day meant for celebrations and sweets were an integral part of that event. Of course, the sweets were specially prepare with the diabetics in mind.
Suddenly Didi spoke.
‘Dee Wreck, what message have you put up on our site?’
‘I have prepared a draft,’ he said. ‘Once you approve it, I’ll post it.’
‘Remember – our sights must now be on going national,’ Didi said. ‘Let us take our very own Bengali culture to very home in the country.'
‘You mean our variety of unique foods?’
‘Foods and songs.’
‘Songs?’
‘Yes – Rabindrasangeet. Since Hindi is the language of the masses, I want to spread Rabindrasangeet to the villages of Bihar, UP, MP. We want penetration and songs will be the medium. Once they get addicted to those songs, we’ll have them eating from our hands. I want to rope in singers who will deliver the goods.’
‘But we do not have such singers,’ Patro Chatto said.
‘Search and you will find them,’ Didi said. ‘TV reality shows throw up fantastic talents. That could be the starting point. I want Rabindrasangeet to be played at every street crossing. It was a hit in Kolkata, I want it to be a hit in Patna, Lucknow and other cities as well.’
‘I’ll put Arrah Bull and Money Rule on the job,’ Moo Cool said. ‘They have mastered the art of convincing people.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Doctor’s advice to Didi – walking is good for health (satire)

Didi has, of late, taken to walking. Her physician has said walking is a wonderful way to build stamina and, when a leader has to keep talking to convince the electorate, a simple exercise like walking can play a very important role.
‘How many roads have I traveled so far?’ Didi asked Moo Cool.
‘You have walked at least five kilometers every day for the last ten days.’
‘And how much have I covered?’
‘Quite a lot of territory,’ Moo Cool said. ‘You have really proved the point that walking is good for health. It gives additional stamina and power to shout down the opposition.’

‘Opposition? Where is the opposition?’ Patro asked. He was another of her close aides. ‘They can try to dislodge you but cannot succeed. That is why they have begun the mudslinging mission and their sting activities.’
‘We ignore such things. Anyway - what is the route you have selected today?’ she asked Patro.
‘We’ll begin from here and walk down to the Dorina Crossing.’
‘Good – but, you must select a time that will not disturb the traffic.’
‘Don’t worry, the police will take care of that aspect. They know exactly how to go about it. They have done it earlier also and it is not new to them.’
‘I don’t want school children to get caught in my walks.’
‘There are no schools in your route, you can rest assured.’
‘Fine. Now – who will be in the front line with me?’
‘I’ll be there,’ Moo Cool said. ‘And I know Patro Chatto will also be there and Omit Misra, Fear Had, Dee Wreck, Show Van, and Abhi Shake.’
‘And – what about the crowd?’
‘That is no problem. Whoever joins will get free lunch of fish curry and rice – machh bhaat.’
‘Add a cold drink also,’ Didi said. ‘There is a party who wants to market his lebur jal – he will gladly sponsor it. It will be a refreshing innovation. I bet no one else would have thought about it. Lebur jal in this summer heat will be an added attraction. By the way - what about Arra Bull and Money Rule? I hope they will be in the walk.’
‘I have given them the task of bringing in the crowds,’ Patro explained. ‘They have tremendous convincing powers and can bring truckloads within no time.’
‘I know,’ Didi said. ‘They are also useful members. OK then, let us get ready for our walk.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Didi rolls out the red carpet (satire)

Didi has come up from the ranks and knows just how to win friends and influence people. Believe it or not, she could have been a strong challenger to Dale Carnegie because she has her methods that she has perfected over a period of time.
Her main weapon is surprise – no one can foretell what is going in her mind.
That is why Moo Cool was always wary of her.
‘What are you doing with those forces that have landed up?’ she asked him.
‘They are new here,’ Moo Cool said. ‘They are looking around.’
‘For what?’
‘Needles in the haystacks,’ Moo Col replied with a straight face.
‘Have you seen to their comfort?’
‘Yes,’ Arra Bull said. ‘We have provided them with mosquito repellant creams.’
‘What about their accommodation?’
‘We have requisitioned some schools,’ Patro Chatto said.
‘And food?’

‘Well – their diets are different to ours,’ Money Rule said. ‘Many of them do not eat fish or rosogollas. But – our cooks are ensuring that they get what they want.’
‘Keep them well fed. I don’t want them to complain about these minor irritants like food, accommodation etcetera.’
‘Don’t worry, my boys are taking full care of them,’ Moo Cool said.
‘What about their patrolling duties?’
‘They have made a routine to go around in the mornings and evenings. No trouble so far.’
‘Good – maintain a good rapport with them. But – what about the officers from various parts of the country who have been sent here?’
‘They are also fully comfortable,’ it was now the turn of Dee Wreck.
‘Remember - they need to be kept in good humor.’
‘We had arranged special passes to watch the T20 match,’ Moo Cool explained. ‘And – there were special screenings of the latest movies released.’
‘Have you not suggested that they go marketing?’
‘Yes. My boys have arranged for that,’ Dee Wreck said. ‘After all, we have plenty to offer in the form of handicrafts plus wide range of sarees. They have heard about these and, now, they have seen them and are impressed.’
‘It is up to you to keep them happy. They should not interfere too much in our workings. They have a duty to perform, let them do it. They want to transfer my police officers – fine. They have to show their work to their higher ups. But – let them know the boundaries and not overstep.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Moo Cool assured. ‘They will not create trouble. When D-day comes, they may not be in the station. They could go to visit relatives or fall sick. Anything can happen – so keep your fingers crossed.’ (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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A single video derails Didi’s poll campaign (satire)

Today’s world is too fast paced for comfort and, with video enabled Smartphones in practically every pocket, the world is flooded with videos of a wide variety from monkeys jumping the hoop to politicians getting caught in dangerous loops.
That is how a single video has derailed what should have been a smooth poll campaign.
And, Didi was not at all happy. She is known for her high level of honesty and, therefore, when she first saw it, she just could not believe her eyes. How can her trusted companions pull the rug from under her feet?
She immediately rang up Patro Chatto.
‘What is the latest?’ she asked.
‘There is utter confusion,’ Patro said.
‘The opposition must be happy at this video,’ she commented.
‘Don’t you worry,’ Patro assured. ‘It is acting as a diversion. Every party is trying to take credit in trying to discredit us but, they can never succeed. We have our Money Rule, Arra Bull and Anu Mandel.’

Didi sighed. She had faith in Patro Chatto and Omit Misra but she could sense some uneasiness in Patro’s assurances. So, she rang up to Omit Misra.
‘Omit-babu, how is your balance sheet shaping up?’ she asked.
‘The task of balancing is a tough one,’ he admitted. ‘Even more difficult than that of an acrobat on the rope.’
Didi was getting in a panic. In desperation, she now rang up Moody in Delhi.
But – he was busy with his Tussauds waxworks. He was excited like a child with a new toy. There were photographers all over his office with his PRO man in tow along with his fashion designer. They were arguing as to what dress would be most appropriate for the wax display. They had to keep in mind the latest modification from above – no half pant. Half pant does not look good in the international arena. Will khadi send out the right signal or should it be the gold embroidered one?
Failing to contact Moody, our Didi, therefore, tried to get in touch with Jet Lee.
She knew that Jet Lee will come up with a solution – but, he was in a holiday mood. There was a long weekend ahead with Holi and Easter and he had planned for a short trip away from the madding crowd. It seems he had not confided to even his close circle of friends about where he was going.
Didi sighed and looked out of the window. She was in the north for her campaign and looked out of her window at the mountains - they were laughing. (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Moody & Co to invite Eskimos for the Yoga meet (satire)

Didi announces holiday for Maha Shivratri (satire)


Jaipur Railway Station goes solar - will mean annual savings of Rs 7.2 lakh on power bills

Alphonso mango, the King of Fruits, make its appearance in Mumbai

Legalise cannabis and pick up £1bn a year in taxes


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West Bengal tourism to ride piggy-back on Amitabh Bachhan starrer 'Te3n'

‘Heidi’ based on the children’s novel of 1881 becoming a movie from Hollywood


Russia to train five dolphins for its underwater combat fleet

Iran gets ready to launch its Somorgh missile into outer space

Mastermind of Paris terror attacks entered Britain through Dover easily

Didi announces holiday for Maha Shivratri (satire)

It is well known that our beloved Didi is a generous woman – her heart bleeds for the millions of kids who do not have shoes, for the millions of girls who do not have bicycles, for the millions of youth who are educated but do not have any job. She wants her people to be happy.
Suddenly her phone rang – it was Moo Cool.
‘Yes,’ she said.
‘I have drafted the notification for the holiday,’ Moo Cool said. ‘Shall I bring it to you for signature?’
‘Give it to Patro Chatto,’ Didi instructed. ‘He knows what to do. With a holiday on Maha Shivratri our people will be happy. That is what I want. I want my people to be happy. They will get a long weekend and will enjoy it in the zoo garden or Nico Park.’

‘And – the rumors of tie up is increasing,’ Moo Cool added.
‘I am not worried. I have come up the hard way,’ she went on. ‘I have my own strategies. I know how to cozy up to whom and when. I will never be distracted by anybody.’
‘Some of our boys are misbehaving again and again,’ Moo Cool said. ‘They are becoming greedy.’
‘I have scolded them. You are there to take care of Arra Bull, Money Rule and Anu Mandel. People like you yourself, Dee Wreck, Abhi Shake are my pillars. You know how to deal with them.’
And, Didi cut off the phone.
It is a vicious circle in which she was caught – but, she was not worried. She had at her disposal several Gouri Sens who would willingly bend over backwards to fulfil her wishes, no matter how outlandish they may be.
Sitting in her chamber in Nabanna, our Didi knew that she has the world eating out of her hand. She knew that she had a whole lot of enemies but she was not afraid – she had created a team of Franksteins and it was a formidable force.
She called them her team of naughty boys (and, girls). Yes, she had empowered the girls also because it was a war to her and, as the saying goes, all is fair in love and war.
With a sigh, she removed the covering from the canvas on the easel and picked up the paint brush. The time had come to paint another rosy picture. (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Didi plans to punish her naughty boys (satire)

Didi was furious. She exhibited her fury and rage in open meetings – that was to impress her followers and for the benefit of the electronic media. She, like any other leader, knew that these media persons have to earn their living and they need to be pampered once in a while.
Like the time when she shared a packet of jhaal moori with a member of a different party. Jhaal-moori is a favorite fast food of Bengalis and the media went to town on it - she and her jhaal-moori companion enjoyed the episode. The media blew it out of proportion and it kept the rumor mongers busy dreaming up future scenarios.

But – this time Didi was really furious because of continuous infighting among her followers.
‘Why don’t you control your men?’ she asked Patro Chatto, her right hand man. ‘We had thrown out that Arrah Bull character and have brought him back. Then that Money Rule and Anu Mandel – they keep talking their mouths off. Why can’t you keep them in check?’
‘They are worried about their future,’ Moo Cool said in a soft voice. Actually, he had lost his voice totally but had managed to get it back – thanks to Didi’s kindness. He had realized which side of his bread was buttered by whom.
‘They know that their syndicate raaj is sitting on a bed of quicksand that can swallow them any moment,’ Omit Misra explained. ‘All of them want to eat the pie.’
‘That is fine,’Didi sad. ‘I understand – they also have to survive. But – they need not make a hue and cry over it. They can resolve their differences quietly. Anyway, I will punish those naughty boys.’
Moo Cool and Patro Chatto exchanged glances with Omit Misra. Didi had branded those ‘boys’ as naughty boys long ago but she cannot do without them. What punishment can she mete out?
‘I want it to be a public punishment,’ she said.
‘Public?’ Moo Cool was shocked.
‘Yes,’ Didi was calm. ‘Arrange for a public meeting. Let them be there on the stage.’
Once again Moo Cool, Patro Chatto and Omit Misra exchanged glances. They knew that Didi would do justice. But – she was unpredictable. What sort of punishment did she have in mind?
‘Yes,’ she was firm. ‘I will punish them in public. I will not talk to them. I will ignore them. They will realize that I am not happy. And – let the media take note of that. Dee Wreck must do that. By the way - where is he?’
‘He is preparing the write up for loading on the social media site,’ Moo Cool replied. (to be continued …)

Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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