Lord Shiva pities the people who try to beat the heat (satire)

It was afternoon and Lord Shiva had finished his lunch. Then, with nothing much to do, he took the binoculars and sat beneath the shade of the banyan tree. He began to peer at the people on the streets.
Durga has also sidled up to him.
‘What do you see?’ she asked.
‘People who are trying to beat the heat,’ Shiva replied.
Durga laughed.
‘It is summer and bound to be hot and humid – it’s an annual phenomenon and people should get used to it. This is planet Earth and it will always be hot in summer.’
‘Still they love to listen to the weather man who is always serious,’ Shiva muttered. ‘His prophecies are meaningless because no one can predict the weather.’
‘Don’t blame him, he has a duty to perform,’ Durga said. ‘He is employed by the Met Department and has to have his say. Anyway – what do you see happening down below?’

‘Roads look deserted, umbrellas are in plenty, the women have their faces covered, there are queues in front of stalls selling cold drinks, there is a rush for lassis and even sugarcane juice and plain water with a dash of nimbu – a mockery for nimbu pani.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘From the look on the faces of those who are buying it.’
‘Focus on the banks of the Hoogly – what do you see?’
‘Right now it all looks empty.’
‘But – things would be totally different if there was some cricket match,’ Durga said. ‘People are crazy for cricket. Moody should declare it as the national game and ask his sports ministry to take it over and introduce a uniform policy for players.’
‘You mean he should ask the players to wear uniforms? Like khaki half pants?’
‘That is a possibility,’ Durga said. ‘Right now there is a gross disparity in their earnings. Those who do not perform earn much more than those who do. And – there is no age limit.’
‘That is the problem,’ Lord Shiva sighed. ‘The summer heat is on the rise – a result of deforestation and industrialization. The extent of pollution is going out of control. Why do they not stop manufacturing automobiles?’
Suddenly Vishwakarma materialized from nowhere.
‘Please do not interfere in my affairs,’ he cautioned Lord Shiva. ‘Industry is my headache, not yours.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Ganesha is not happy with Poila Boishakh (satire)

Lord Ganesha was in a bad mood – it was Poila Boishakh and it should have been a good day with plenty of admirers who would be performing pujas to please him. He would be on call every minute from his devotees. But – the charm usually associated with the occasion was missing.
Lord Shiva watched him from a distance and turned to Durga who was sitting on a nearby hillock on Mount Kailash. ‘Our son appears to have something on his mind,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ Durga agreed. ‘I have been watching him since morning. He is not happy. Today is New Year and everyone connected with business big or small prays to Ganesha to be at their side to help the earnings.’

‘I know, that has been the tradition,’ Shiva said. ‘It is all about loyalty. Those who are in business welcome their customers and would-be customers. They put some money in the donation box and get in return a packet of sweets and a Bengali calendar. Some even offer fresh lime juice.’
‘Those times have gone into the history books,’ Saraswati joined the conversation.
‘You mean people have stopped doing business?’ Shiva asked.
‘No Daddy, they have revolutionized the concept of doing business,’ Saraswati explained. ‘Over the counter sales is making way for online trading. Money does not change hands – cards are swiped.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Plastic money is taking over from those loose coins and dirty soiled and tattered notes.’
“But how do they maintain records of their money? What about those huge book of accounts that they would worship on this auspicious day?’
Saraswati laughed at Shiva’s ignorance.
‘It is the world of IT – accounts are maintained on Excel worksheets.’
Lord Ganesha sauntered into view with his mouse tagging along. Both looked forlorn.
‘The number of people who worship their red colored ledger books has reduced drastically,’ he said. ‘They have forgotten my existence.’
‘My dear brother,’ Sarasawati consoled him. ‘Try to live with the times. When manual account keeping was King, you had millions of followers. But – today’s world is fast paced and automation is taking over.’
‘Then how do they celebrate Poila Boishakh?’
‘They eat out. They book seats in the hotels to enjoy pure Bengali cuisine.’
‘And – pay with credit cards?’ Ganesh asked.
‘Exactly – the account keeping is accurate and foolproof and the figures are always kept updated. No hanky-panky.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva on the collapse of Burrabazar flyover (satire)

It was just after lunch and Lord Shiva was strolling in front of his cave. That is what Durga always insists – he must do some exercise after meals. Not necessarily the dumb-bells and parallel bars and treadmill but simple walking would also help digestion.
Yes – digestion has become a problem for him. It was not so even fifty years back but, the quality of eatables has gone down – there is adulteration galore. Even the fruits are getting a coat of artificial color to make them look attractive.
Suddenly he heard the noise. It sounded as if something had collapsed somewhere.
He peered into the distance and focused his attention in the general direction of Howrah Bridge – the sound came from that area.

Durga had also come out from her kitchen. Like a true housewife, she loved to spend time in her kitchen.
‘Did you hear that?’ Shiva asked.
‘Yes, I thought it is some explosion.’ ‘But – explosions happen during Diwali. Why now?’
‘May be some victory celebration,’ Durga said.
‘Victory? What victory? India lost the WT20 – what is there to make a noise about?’
‘Could be some election victory,’ Durga said.
‘There is time for that. The results will be declared by middle of May.’
Suddenly Ganesh came out of his cave. He was listening to someone on his mobile phone. Lakshmi was with him – she also was listening on her mobile.
‘What’s the matter?’ Shiva wanted to know.
‘Burrabazar is in trouble,’ Ganesh replied. ‘All the traders are worried – the flyover has collapsed. And – their business is in the doldrums. All of them want my advice. They love me and pray to me every morning and also whenever they are in trouble. They expect me to look after their interests.’
‘OK – fine. They offer you your favorite food daily and you have to stand by them. But why did the flyover collapse?’ ‘That is a mystery that Didi and Moody have to sort out,’ Ganesh said. ‘If you ask me, I think it is all the net result of underhand dealings.’
‘Yes, corruption has gone deep into the system.’ Shiva sighed. ‘Look at me. I am unable to get a tiger skin because tigers are a protected species. So, I have to either get it in the black market or wear make-believe tiger skins. Even the ganja that Bhringi gets for me does not have the kick. I think I’ll have to buy it online.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva intrigued by the writing on the walls (satire)

Lord Shiva was deep in thought and Durga noticed the expression on his face and knew that he was intrigued by something – she had to find out what it was.
‘Did you sleep well?’ she asked.
The Lord grunted something and nodded his head.
‘Was the ganja not up to the mark?’ she asked the next question. ‘Did Bhringi give you stale ganja?’
‘No, it is not that. I am seeing the writing on the walls and am worried.’
‘What writing? Which wall?’
‘All the walls are crowded with colorful writings – artists are toiling day and night to display their artistic skills.’
‘It’s all a part of their Skill India initiative,’ Durga explained. ‘This is election time and West Bengal is probably the only state in the country where people let loose their imagination through beautiful slogans and equally beautiful wall paintings and writings.’
Yes,’ Saraswati joined the conversation. ‘Come election time, the walls become public property and artists descend with their buckets of paints and scores of brushes to make mincemeat out of political party leaders.

‘How are the artists faring?’
‘These boys and girls are experts with their brushes and also have a flair for playing with words,’ Saraswati said. ‘They can dream up rhymes that will leave you spellbound.’
‘That is the trouble with Bengalis,’ Durga sighed. ‘They are poets and artists at heart. It has been going on for ages and has become an integral part of their culture. That is why they are not interested in industries.’
‘Yes,’ Ganesh had also joined the group. ‘Even if industries did come to Bengal, the boys may not want to join them as employees. You can take a horse to the pond but you cannot force it to drink water.’
‘If you ask me, I’ll say let them be happy with their poetry and dreams,’ Saraswati said. ‘Heavy industries need strong and sturdy men. These boys would be misfits. That is why they should explore possibilities of pursing other industries.’
‘Wall paintings during election time is a tradition that has been going on for ages,’ Durga said. ‘I see it as a vent for pent up passions and anger that are released via artistic mediums like paintings and rhymes.’
‘Intellectuals may swear by poems that do not believe in rhymes, but, when it comes to slogans, rhymes are a must,’ Saraswati now said. ‘Otherwise, how can one express ones innermost thoughts and take swipes at the position?’
‘Anyway – the writing on the walls add to the excitement of elections,’ Durga went on. ‘The artists have to think out the words – they must be specific, humorous and must drive home the point. The words must leave a deep mark and must be selected with care so that they can form attractive jingles and slogans.’
‘But – these jobs are not full time jobs,’ Lord Shiva was puzzled. ‘What do they do for a living?’
‘They do odd jobs,’ Ganesh replied. ‘They have their own syndicates.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva wants to be the King of good times (satire)

Lord Shiva knew that he was old-fashioned. Watching the antics of people on innumerable TV channels, he had realized that he was out of sync with the world of today. In his cave in Mount Kailash, he had for company his small family and a number of attendants. But, in his heart of hearts, he wanted to be the King of good times and live life King size.
‘I think you are worried,’ Durga broke the silence. ‘Want to share your thoughts?’
‘I was watching the antics of this character who believes that he is the King of good times. He has an impressive personality but, I feel sorry for him.’
‘The world is full of such characters,’ Durga said. ‘Remember that other guy who minted millions from the cricket field.’
‘Yes. He also lived life King-size – he had his own plane. Like this new gentleman. I believe he owns an airline and loves to have calendars with photos of selected beauties.’

‘That is not new’ Durga pouted her lips. ‘Here in our world also we have many apsaras like Rambha and Menoka and there is always a rush to win them over. It is human nature. You should not read much into these alliances.’
‘Alliances?’
‘Yes, it keeps happening in the tinsel world. The heroes keep changing their wives. It seems they just are not satisfied with what they get.’
‘I see,’ Shiva muttered. ‘That is why they have coined that phrase ‘yeh dil maange more’ - applicable from cold drinks to cold wife!’
‘Believe it or not, cricket is a great equalizer – it is a wonderful fixing agent,’ Durga said. ‘It brings people close so that everyone can enjoy the good times.’
‘Then why should the ringleaders try to go into hiding?’
‘That happens when you bite more than you can chew.’
‘And – those who were once with you feel cheated and embarrassed and try to wriggle out of partnerships.'
‘But, they’ll keep coming back in one form or the other, Durga reminded. ‘They are the descendants of the Asuras – they are masters of disguise and keep changing their forms to fool the people. They are always up to some trick or the other and cannot be taken at face value. (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva cannot relate to today’s Shivaratri (satire)

It was spring time and sudden bursts of rain does dampen the spirits, especially the festivals like Shivaratri. It has gone out of fashion and everyone treats it just another day to enjoy.
Durga had been observing her husband from a distance and could guess that there was something on his mind. So, she sidled up to him.
‘What’s bothering you now?’ she asked.
‘Shivaratri is approaching and there is not much noise,’ Shiva murmured. ‘Why such a lack of seriousness?’
‘It is the social media,’ Durga explained.

‘Why do you all blame the social media for all evils?’
‘Because they have taken control of everyone’s lives.’
‘But what has that got to do with Shivaratri?’
‘Plenty,’ Durga said and occupied the hillock next to her husband.
‘Please clarify,’ Shiva leaned on his trishul (trident) and said.
‘You see in the good old days, Shivaratri was a must for all girls – at least till their marriage. Because every girl wanted to get a husband like Lord Shiva.’
‘Really? What is so special about him?’
‘Everything,’ Durga smiled. ‘He is a non-interfering individual and loves to roam about in his own dream world where he keeps aloof from the day to day problems. His demands are minimum and he is easy to satisfy.’
‘I see,’ Shiva sighed. ‘You mean I was their idol. They worshipped me in the fond hope of bagging a husband like me and I have ceased to be an idol.’
‘Sort of,’ Durga said. ‘Today they have a new concept. They do not wait for their perfect man to come along but searches on the net and zeroes in on him. Thanks to FB, there is no shortage of eligible men.’
‘FB? What is that?’
‘It is Face Book – a book in cyberspace where millions of girls are on the lookout for their dream boy to come along. They don’t ride bulls as you do but they zoom about on the latest motorcycles.’
‘And, their parents have no role to play?’
‘Well – they enter the scene at the last moment to finance the celebrations and be a part of the photo ops.’
‘Hmm – then what do they do on Shivaratri? Don’t they remain awake all night and fast?’
‘No - to them it is just another holiday. And, nights are for chatting. With packets of chips. Fasting is old-fashioned.’
‘Chatting? Why they have to chat at night?’
‘My dear hubby, the mobile phone rates at night are low and they take advantage of that.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva does the treadmill as Sarasawti advises students (satire)

Lord Shiva was on the treadmill working hard to shed those unwanted kilograms that kept gathering around his waist. His wife kept taunting him about the paunch and she had made it mandatory that he does the treadmill every morning before breakfast. He ha argued that he would do sit-ups or parallel bars but Durga insisted that it must be the treadmill and, treadmill it was. She had purchased it online and kept a tab on its usage.
Shiva looked at the Sun and understood that he had done enough for the day – he could now safely switch off the machine. But, Durga was watching from her kitchen window.
‘OK for today,’ she said. ‘You are five minutes short. Tomorrow you must make it up.’
Shiva wiped the perspiration from his neck and signaled to his trusted disciple Bhringi who was hiding behind a clump of bushes. He knew what his master wanted and was ready with the chillum of Shiva’s favorite mood setter.
Suddenly Lakshmi and Saraswati emerged from their rooms. While Lakshmi had been on her laptop trying to solve the complicated problems of finance, her sister Saraswati had plenty on her mind because board exams were on and she was getting desperate pleas for help from distant corners. The callers were the students.
The ringing of the mobile phone broke the silence. It was for Saraswati from one of her millions of fans.
‘Yes,’ Saraswati responded.

‘I am in trouble,’ the girl at the other end was in tears.
‘What happened?’ Saraswati asked.
‘Today it is English exams as per schedule and I have come prepared for that. I have mugged off all the latest suggestions.’
‘So – what is your problem?’
‘I have mixed up the dates.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Today is Monday, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘The actual exams today is for Bengali. English is next Monday.’
‘You mean you mixed up the week?’
‘Yes – what do I do now?’
‘Well – answer the Bengali paper.’
‘But – I have not come prepared. You must help me.’
‘I just don’t understand why a Bengali girl cannot answer questions in Bengali. Concentrate and put pen to paper. Something will come out.’
‘Oh dear God,’ the girl cried. ‘How can you let me down like this? I always pray to you, I have your photo on my table, I fasted on the Puja day. You can’t let me down.’
Saraswati disconnected and the phone rang again. It was another student. (to be continued …)


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Kartika prepares for Valentine’s Day as Lord Shiva looks on (satire)

It was spring. Lord Shiva was sitting on a hillock with Nandi grazing nearby. Shiva’s obedient disciple Bhringi was feeding Nandi grass.
Shiva was observing his son Kartika dressing up. He appeared to be dressing up for an important occasion because he was wearing bright colored bermudas and black color sleeveless banyans. He had his hair sticking up over his heads, thanks to his newfound fascination for hair gels.
‘Where are you off to?’ Shiva asked him.
‘I want to enjoy V-Day,’ Kartika answered.
‘V-Day? What is that?’
‘Have you not heard of Valentine’s Day?’ Kartika shot back.

He appeared to be in a bad mood. He had ordered the latest brand of Deo Spray that was supposed to make the girls swoon but the product that came to him via the courier was not what he wanted. And, there was no time left to wait for the replacement.
‘I always knew V-Day to be the Victory Day,’ Shiva said.
‘Your ideas are all outdated,’ Kartika said and went to the garage to take out his motorcycle. His peacock followed him but Kartika shooed it away. He did not want any old-fashioned stuff around him when he embarked on his mission. He wanted to mingle with the mortals and get the feel of meeting girls. He wanted to exchange Valentine’s Day greetings. He had already procured gifts for them. These gifts were in his backpack.
Kartika was the symbol of today’s young generation.
Ganesh-ji was also watching the antics of his brother from a distance as was Lakshmi and their mother Durga.
Exception was Saraswati – she was away doing duty among the mortals. It was the day when school children and college going boys and girls join to celebrate her Pujas. It was an annual ritual and they do it to keep Saraswati happy. She was the Goddess of Learning and all the students worshipped her.
She loved this annual event – it was the meeting ground of innumerable landmark events related to boys and girls. It was the occasion when the girls wear the saree in public for the first time. It was the occasion when the shy girls gather up courage to smile at boys – and, tentative seeds of relationships are sown.
Some of these could, over a period of time, mature into more serious relationships – while others could remain as nothing but sweet memories. (to be continued ..)


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Lord Ganesha and Kartika discuss the game of cricket (satire)

Lord Ganesha and his brother Kartika were having a heated argument over the game of cricket which is the rage on the day. There was the senior team, the under-19 team, the women’s team and, players kept getting in and out of the team while a selected few continued to remain in the side, come what may.
‘I insist that cricket is a game of fools,’ Kartika said. ‘Remember what a learned person had said about cricket?’ ‘What?’ Lord Ganesha asked.
‘He had said that cricket is a game of fools. One fool throws the ball, another fool hits the ball, eleven fools chase the ball and millions of fools watch the ball?’
Ganesha laughed.
‘That needs to be modified,’ he said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You forgot to add another three more fools who keep track of the ball.’
‘I don’t understand.’

‘I mean the umpires – there are three of them to keep track of the ball. Two on-field, the third one isolated and sitting in an air-conditioned box with his eyes glued to the TV screen.’
It was at this time that Lord Shiva came into view. He had been in the gym doing the treadmill because Durga had warned him to reduce his weight because a Shiva with a paunch is not a pleasant sight.
He had Bhringi with him, he was carrying towels and Shiva was using it to wipe the perspiration from his body.
‘What are you boys fighting over now?’ he asked.
‘Cricket,’ Kartika said. ‘I said that it is a game of fools but my brother does not agree.’
‘I see,’ Shiva said and occupied a seat on another hillock. ‘In my opinion, cricket is a game of the intelligent.’
‘How come?’ Kartika objected.
‘Those who play the game are experts in geometry,’ Shiva explained.
‘Geometry?’ Kartika was aghast.
’Yes,’ Shiva grinned. ‘Unless you know your geometry, you just cannot guide the ball with the bat through open spaces to avoid the fielders and score runs.’
‘I don’t agree,’ Kartika said. ‘Many of the players have not even graduated, they have no idea of tangents and angles.’
‘That is the beauty of cricket,’ Shiva grinned. ‘With so much cricket being played, let us keep the debate open on whether cricket is a game of chance or needs deep knowledge of the sciences.’
‘Of course it is a game of chance,’ Ganesha gave his opinion. ‘The outcome on any game depends on the toss – and, that is chance.’
‘Unless the coin is doctored, like in Sholay’ Kartika added. (to be continued …)


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Goddess Durga, Moody and the lotus (satire)

‘You seem to be having something on your mind,’ Lord Shiva looked at Durga who was walking aimlessly in front of the cave in Mount Kailash.
‘I am worried about the lotus,’ Durga said.
‘Why?’ Shiva asked. ‘I hear lotus is blooming all over the country’.
‘You are misinformed,’ Durga objected. ‘Lotus needs water, they grow in ponds and lakes and those are drying up. People are filling up the waterbodies and constructing multistoried buildings. Where is the water for lotus to bloom?’
‘Don’t worry,’ Shiva assured. ‘There are many bright boys and girls around. Someone will certainly think up a way to circumvent the problem.’

‘You mean they will create artificial lotus?’
‘Well – the possibility is there,’ Shiva replied. ‘Today is the world of fakes. Have you not seen artificial flowers in the markets? ’
‘With the number of my pujas increasing every year, I wonder how the organizers will manage to get so many lotus flowers to perform my puja,’ Durga was serious.
‘I can let you in on a secret,’ Lord Shiva smiled.
‘Will the organizers import the lotus from abroad? My puja requires 108 lotus – and with at least 5000 pujas every year, the total required would run into lakhs.’
‘I have heard that someone wants to cultivate lotus flowers. He is doing it on a large scale. He has got permission to categorize it as an industry. That way he can get bank loan.’
‘Whose bright idea is it?’
‘There is a fiery lady down there who sees the making of an industry everywhere,’ Shiva clarified. ‘To her, anyone who produces anything is an industrialist. Therefore, in her kingdom pickles, sweets, papads, handicrafts fall in that category.’
‘And – she’ll now add lotus industry?’ Durga asked.
‘Yes,’ Shiva nodded. ‘She is rounding up people who have lost their lotus potentials. She wants to bring sunshine into their lives via the lotus blooms. There won’t be any shortage.’
‘But – there is another person called Moody who wants to put more and more lotus in his bag,’ Durga said.
‘Time only can answer that question,’ Shiva turned philosopher.
‘Why don’t you advise this Moody character to make it a law that every house must produce at least one lotus regularly?’ Durga suggested.
‘I only wish there will not be any clash of interests with the fiery woman leader.’ (to be continued …)


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Lord Shiva waits for his patisapta (satire)

#patisapta #makarsankranti ‘I smell some goodies,’ Lord Shiva announced as he paced outside his cave. He had his trident with him and he used it to support his weight. He had grown a bit bulky because there was not much running around.
‘Yes,’ Durga smiled. ‘Our girls are preparing the goodies for celebrating Makar Sankranti.’
‘I only hope they think up something new,’ Shiva said. ‘The same coconut stuffing in between a layer of rice paste is to boring.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Durga said. ‘They’ll surprise you with their creation.’

Suddenly Ganesh strolled out of his cave. He seemed to be pleased with himself. Unlike Shiva’s other children, Ganesh was always in demand. Each and every man runs after money and, money means Ganesh. Without his blessings, money does not come.
Of course, Lakshmi also shared Ganesh’s popularity - but, she was more liked by the women. They prayed for her blessings – and it was usually restricted to only Thursdays. The reason was obvious – they had so many other chores to attend to. Therefore, praying to Lakshmi was reserved for one day in the week.
Ganesh held a kite in his hand and his gang of faithful mouse was following him – one of them, the leader, kept tugging at the thread attached to the kite.
‘Where’s is your brother?’ Shiva asked.
‘He is putting finishing touches to his hair,’ Ganesh said. ‘He has got a new gel. It will keep his hair always at an angle. No amount of wind can ruffle it. He is trying it out’
‘Are you not competing in any kite festival?’ Shiva wanted to know.
‘Kartika and I will pit ourselves against Bhringi and his gang,’ Ganesh said.
Shiva slowly walked towards the dining room. The aroma of goodies was floating in the air and drew him to its source. But – Durga shooed him away.
‘Have patience,’ she said. ‘The girls are doing a great job. Don’t disturb them.'
‘I never knew that making patisapta was so complicated,’ Shiva murmured.
Durga grinned.
‘They have got hold of a new recipe from the TV,’ she said. ‘They are putting the finishing touches.’
‘What is so special?’ Shiva demanded to know.
‘The ingredients,’ Durga said. ‘It is going to be a special patisapta. They want to give it a global flavor. With additives that foreigners can recognize. It will be a part of the Make in India initiative. I heard Saraswati wants to patent the recipe.’
‘Well,’ Shiva sighed. ‘To me patisapta is coconut stuffing in a bed of rice paste.’ (to be continued …)


(Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva and TV Reality shows (satire)

#realityshows #TV They were all seated beside the TV set watching the latest edition of a popular reality show. It was in the cave of Lord Shiva and, even though Durga had a separate TV set in her cave as did her daughters Lakshmi and Saraswati, she walked over to Shiva’s cave for the shows. Her daughters accompanied her.
‘I was just wondering,’ Durga mused. ‘When do the wives get time to concentrate on their domestic chores?’
‘Why?’ Shiva asked. ‘There is a favorite saying - she who cooks also combs her hair.’
‘Not any longer,’ Lakshmi quipped. ‘Times have changed. The housewives have domestic helps who do the cooking. And – the housewives go to the local beautician for getting the hair done.’
‘But – I see many of them cook delicious meals in the TV shows,’ Shiva looked at his daughter. ‘That means they can cook. Then, why depend on outsiders?’
Lakshmi laughed.
‘Papa, don’t you know that the housewives today are very busy.’

‘Looking after the studies of their kids?’
‘No. They have private tutors for that.’
‘Oh – you mean they go for jobs? To augment the family income?’
‘Some of them do. But – most of them are always running for other reasons.’
‘Why? If they don’t cook or look after the studies of their kids, what keeps them busy?’
‘I’ll tell you,’ Saraswati joined the discussion. ‘All of them want to appear on TV. That is the latest fad. The hottest topic in any kitty party. Its all about participation.’
‘Participation is good,’ Shiva said. ‘It helps bonding.’
‘This is a different kind of participation,’ Sarasawati explained. ‘Here it is all about bringing home goodies like refrigerators, ovens, utensils, kitchenware carpets, dressing tables. And, becoming celebrities in their own circle.’
‘You mean shopping?’
‘No – winning prizes for guessing the weight of a pumpkin or answering puzzles or singing songs. The days of pallu wearing bahus have gone. Today’s bahus are all get setters. They love to narrate their real life love stories, how they had eloped to get married.’
‘You mean they do not have any time to spare?’ Shiva was surprised.
‘How can they?’ Saraswati shot back. ‘There are so many TV channels and umpteen number of reality shows. They have to learn the basics before they go for auditions. And, to learn the basics they have to attend grooming schools.’
‘Good,’ Shiva nodded. ‘I am glad to see that they have shed inhibitions. Long live women power.’ (to be continued …)

(Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva watches the antics of Didi (satire)

Lord Shiva was in a good mood – he held the binocular to his eyes and it was focused on the airport. He was watching big names walking down the lounge to get into their vehicles and make a beeline for the dinner date with Didi, the keeper of all she surveys.
‘At last things seem to be happening,’ Shiva mused.
‘What things?’ Durga asked.
She was standing beside Shiva – she was also in a happy mood. This year, winter was not severe and, that was why there was no need to put on warm clothes.
She realized that fashion changes with the time and that is why a new trend was emerging. She could see men and women with the shawl slung over the shoulder – they did not wrap it around the body as they normally did in the past. She first saw it in some TV serials, and she now knew the reason.
‘So many celebrities at a time in the airport!’ Shiva chuckled. ‘Didi has at last something to brag about. I saw a couple of central Ministers in the crowd.’

‘Yes,’ Durga grinned. ‘She has invited them to come.’
‘What is the occasion?’
‘Could be a late New Year party,’ Durga said. ‘She was so busy touring the countryside and, with all her meetings and distribution of cycles, she must have realized that she forgot about her New Year party.’
‘I heard she has personally rung up the invitees,’ Shiva murmured.
‘Yes, she knows how effective any personal approach is,’ Durga explained. ‘She wants positive results. Her time is running out and she needs to make sure that she does not go into oblivion.’
‘OK – but, tell me, she is always crying that she has no money. Then how does she manage to gift so many bicycles?’ ‘That is her secret,’ Durga smiled. ‘It is an example of woman power. They can do wonders.’
‘Do you have any idea about what her agenda is?’
Durga gave a hearty laugh.
‘It is just a dinner date in Nicco Park,’ she said. ‘All the big chefs will bowl over the guests. They will dance to the tunes of Bollywood heroes and heroines and, on the side, will discuss whether to invest in handicrafts industry or pickles industry.’
‘But – they have been debating for the last four years.’
‘Such debates will go on and on. Industrialists will come and go and Ganga will flow on forever.’ (to be continued …)

(Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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Lord Shiva wants temples on the Moon and Mars (satire)

Lord Shiva came out of his cave in Mount Kailash and was surprised to see a festive mood all around. Nandi, his faithful bull was chewing the cud leisurely at the entrance to the cave while Bhringi, his trusted Man Friday was busy hanging up colored festoons.
‘What is the matter? Shiva asked no one in particular. He knew that Durga must be somewhere nearby and would brief him.
‘We will be celebrating,’ Durga came into view followed by her tame lion, swishing its tail. ‘What celebration?’ Shiva wanted to know.
‘New Year Day,’ Durga replied. ‘I have sent SMS to Menoka and Rambha. They are brushing up on the latest dance numbers and will be here with their troupes.’

‘I don’t recollect holding of any such celebrations in the past in Mount Kailash,’ Lord Shiva leaned on his trishul and mused.
‘Times are changing,’ Durga said. ‘Today, everyone wants an occasion to celebrate.’
‘That may be OK for the measly humans, but why should we copy their lifestyle? We belong to a different world!’
‘My dear husband, boundaries are crumbling,’ Durga said. ‘Sworn enemies suddenly drop by to meet over a birthday, shake hands and return home hoping to end hostilities.’
‘I heard earthlings want to leave this earth and go and settle on other planets.’
‘Yes – I have also heard about that,’ Durga said. ‘They want to settle on the Moon and on Mars. I wonder whether they will find other Durga and Shiva up there! If they do, then our days will be numbered’
‘I have an idea,’ Shiva whispered.
‘What?’
‘You know that Moody fellow? The one who is always on the move?’
‘What about him?’
‘I believe he is a dynamic go-getter,’ Shiva went on. ‘Get into his dream one of these days and tell him to send our statues to the Moon and to Mars in the next space ship that ISRO plans to send. That will be the solution.’
‘How?’
‘He and his people are obsessed with temples, right?’ Shiva grinned.
‘Yes.’
‘Well – let them be the first to build Shiva and Durga temples on other distant planets like the Moon and Mars before anybody can even think of building churches or gurdwaras or mosques.’
‘That’ll be a great idea,’ Durga agreed. ‘I’ll target Moody and all of his followers, especially that Rum Mudda character.’ (to be continued …)

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Lord Shiva tries to buy tiger skins online (satire)

Till now, Lord Shiva used to have an ordinary cellphone to contact others in Heaven but, his daughter Saraswati had gifted him a new handset – it was bigger in size and it had a whole lot of buttons. He had difficulty in remembering which button was meant for which purpose. He was fiddling with the buttons when he accidentally clicked on one of the online marketing sites.
He wanted tiger skins very badly. Nowadays, there is a ban on killing tigers and he was stuck with skins that were several decades old - he was isolated from the latest fashion trends.

Durga was watching him from the corner of her eyes and enjoying herself.
Lord Shiva was confused by seeing so many thumbnails that depicted dresses, footwear, accessories, jewelry, cosmetics.
‘Click on what you want to buy,’ Durga said.
‘You mean you just click and buy?’ Shiva asked.
‘Yes – of course, before buying you must check if it is suitable for you.’
‘How can I do that unless there is a salesman or salesgirl?’
‘The mobile is your shop-cum-salesman. Click on the item you want to buy. Suppose it is a shirt. Once you click on it, it will ask you for your size, choice of color. Then it will display its variety along with cost. Select which one you want, put it in the shopping cart, pay the amount by credit card and it will be delivered at your doorstep. By drone if you want it urgently.’
‘Seems very simple,’ Lord Shiva said. ‘But don’t I get to touch and feel what I am buying?’
‘You don’t need to,’ Durga said. ‘The brands are famous and they don’t cheat. They deal in millions – they will not stoop so low as to cheat you out of a few thousands.’
Shiva did not bother to reply. He searched for tiger skins. And – he got tiger balm, posters of ‘save the tiger’, and books on Tiger Pataudi, Tiger Memon, Tiger Hill but no tiger skin.
He looked towards Durga – she was trying to get tickets online for the latest blockbuster.
‘I am not able to get tiger skin,’ he said.
‘Dear Lord, it is time for change. You must go for something else that will look like tiger skin but will not actually be tiger skin.’
‘Go in for a plain dress and get it colored to look like the original,’ she said.
‘But that is not ethical, that is cheating,’ Shiva was shocked.
‘My dear husband,’ Durga smiled. ‘That is what is happening all around us. Either join the stream or be left out.’ (to be continued …)

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Lord Shiva’s solution for global warming – go under water (satire)

Lord Shiva was feeling uneasy – it was supposed to be winter but in a city like Kolkata, there was hardly anyone wearing pullovers. Instead of room heaters, people had switched on air conditioners. Instead of hot tea and coffee, ice creams and cold drinks were vanishing from the shops. And – Lord Shiva did not like the signs.
‘I hear the footsteps of proloy in the distance,’ he said.
‘I know,’ Durga agreed. ‘I am equally disturbed. I have woven pullovers for Lakshmi and Saraswati, but they are roaming about and do not even wear even the old sweaters or wrap the shawls to ward off the cold.’
‘Where has the cold vanished?’ Shiva asked. ‘Have you seen the bears? They are restless - this is the time for them to go into hibernation and they just do not know what to do.’
‘It is called global warming,’ Durga explained.

‘I know,’ Shiva was irritated. ‘I can feel the heat. I can see people losing their tempers because of the heat. Winter is the season for different fairs, for picnics. But, I don’t see any enthusiasm.’
‘It is all due to loss of trees. Population is increasing and they have got to live. They need houses and houses need land. So – cut down the trees and build high rise buildings.’
Lord Shiva was puzzled.
‘Why do they need on land?’ he asked.
‘Have you had an overdose of your ganja?’ Durga appeared to be annoyed.
Shiva smiled – he is never angry, he does not bear any grudge against anybody.
‘My dear wife,’ he looked at Durga. ‘Why don’t they go underwater?’
‘Underwater?’ Durga looked puzzled. ‘Do you mean underground?’
‘No – I mean underwater,’ Shiva said and grinned. ‘They are sending rockets to the Moon and Mars and plan to have human settlements there. Right?’
‘Yes – they do have such ideas.’
‘Well – why do they not explore possibilities of human settlements under the oceans?’ Durga nodded her had. Yes – that could be another solution to the global crisis. She would have to get her message across. She will pass it on to Moody via a dream. He will surely action on it. He has contacts in all the right places. Only the other day, he got a call from Big Brother – he will not let Moody down, he will certainly rise to the occasion. (to be continued …)

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Momo and sushi gear up to dislodge jilebi and pedhas (satire)

Lord Shiva was pacing up and down his cave in Kailash – he was watching an Indian city gradually turning Japanese and he did not want the identity to be lost.
Devi Durga was keeping an eye on him from a distance – she knew the signs. When he was disturbed, the Lord would go into the mute mood and she just could not tolerate him when he became silent.
‘What is biting you?’ she finally asked.
‘Have you not seem today’s TV news?’ he shot back.
‘There is nothing new,’ she replied. ‘The news was about snowfall in Kashmir, in Nainital, in Amarnath ..’
‘That is not news,’ Shiva grunted. ‘When it is winter and the temperature drops, snow fall is normal. I am talking about Japan.’
Durga was taken aback.
‘I must have missed it,’ she apologized. ‘I was in the kitchen trying out a new dish. It’s all about leaves and how to cook a khichdi of leaves. The celebrity cook used at least ten different varieties of leaves – and, she served it up on a banana leaf!’

‘Please don’t test my temper,’ Shiva growled. ‘I am talking about one of our cities turning into Japan. There is a huge program and soon we will have Japan right here in our country.’
Durga smiled.
‘Oh, you mean the bullet train?’ she asked.
‘No - I mean bye-bye to drains,’ Shiva said. ‘Once the city transforms into a mini Japan, what will happen to all those sadhus who earn their daily bread by sitting on the banks of the Ganga? And – all those bulls on the roads? And – the beggars? They are not seen in Japan.’
‘They will certainly be rehabilitated,’ Durga assured.
‘OK – and all those mithailwallahs? Will they shift to selling momos and sushis?’
‘Well – they are good to eat. The people will love the change from century-old jilebis and pedhas. Actually – they are bad for health. Too much of sweets leads to diabetes and obesity.’
‘My dear, you seem to have an answer for everything.’
Durga smiled.
‘Let me tell you a secret.’
‘What?’
‘An MOU has been signed to set up an academy in this city – it will teach how to make the mouth-watering momo and shushi.’ (to be continued …)

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Saraswati and Lakshmi and their girlish talks (satire)

Lord Shiva and Devi Durga lived in their abode in Mount Kailash in the Himalayas with their children. They ventured out of their place very seldom. But – the world around them was changing very fast and being the world of consumerism, they were bombarded by ads on TV abut thousands of products. It was difficult to make a choice.
That is what the sisters were discussing.
‘I still think that the cream in that beautiful yellow bottle is the best,’ Sarasawti said. ‘I have seen one of the Bollywood actresses use it – she has such lovely curly hair and applies that cream.’
‘No,’ Lakshmi said. ‘Just because you are fond of yellow color does not mean that everything yellow is the best.’
‘Don’t argue,’ Saraswati glared at her sister. ‘Let me finish my music practice. I am trying to pick up that latest craze of a song from that Mastani movie.’
‘Go ahead. And – let me worry about my face cream,’ Lakshmi said. ‘But – tell me one thing. You are the goddess of learning and must know the answer.’

‘Shoot,’ Saraswati grinned. ‘If I don’t know, I can always google the answer, thanks to the internet. Google is such a help.’
‘The question my dear sis is – why do men go in for fairness creams to make their skin glow and look fair. How can they remain fair looking throughout the day when their beard keeps growing every minute?’
Saraswati stared hard at her sister.
‘Yeah, I also have wondered about it,’ she sighed. ‘It’s actually a sales gimmick. The common man loves to imitate his Bollywood heroes blindly.’
‘Not only heroes but heroines also,’ Lakshmi laughed. ‘Like you my sister. You are also star struck with the oil in the yellow bottle.’
Saraswati did not bother to reply.
She concentrated on the Mastani song. Immediately she struck the first chord, her pet swan woke up startled. It got up on its feet and moved away from her, frightened.
Saraswati looked at it and smiled.
‘Don’t be afraid dear Batakh,’ she said. ‘This is the new age music. Very loud, very peppy. You cannot help but dance to its tune.’
The swan was not amused. It waddled away towards the pond.
Meanwhile, Lakshmi had locked on to an online site that sold hair creams. She wanted to check out if the yellow brand of oil Saraswati was talking about was popular in Hollywood. If she could get some clue, she would try it out. (to be continued …)

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Kartika wants to become a Bollywood hero (satire)

Kartika, the son of Lord Shiva and Devi Durga, is keen to become a hero and join Bollywood. He is impressed by not only the big hulky heroes and action heroes but also by the young ones who have not yet put of weight.
Kartika watches them dance and imitates their moves and actions as does his peacock – he has downloaded thousands of film songs on his mobile and practices them with his peacocks and the apsaras like Rambha and Menoka who entertain the folks up in Heaven.
As he was trying out the latest hits, his mobile rang. It was Menoka’s sister and she wanted to come down to Kailash. ‘Yes,’ Kartika connected. ‘What is bothering you?’
‘I want to try out the latest song and dance sequence from this Mastani movie,’ she replied. ‘I heard that it is the latest rage. Can I come down?’
‘I don’t know if it is the rage,’ Kartika said, ‘I have seen the video. The heroines are so thin – like sticks. I think they do not eat anything and live on just air and water.’

‘No Kartika-ji,’ Menoka’s sister laughed. ‘They also eat just like anybody else but then they go to the gym, do workouts and shed all the extra kilograms. Otherwise they cannot get the plum roles.’
‘Yes,’ Kartika agreed. ‘Competition is tough and with new faces appearing regularly, the seniors are getting branded as ‘old’ and have to make way for the newbies.’
‘But – they do not disappear from view,’ Menoka’s sister laughed. ‘They become models – old-age models. And they switch over to advertising products like joss-sticks, water purifiers and even noodles.’
‘Or – they enter politics,’ Kartika sighed. ‘And, being new, they say the wrong thing at the wrong time. They keep making mistakes and embarrass their mentors.’
‘Yes,’ Menoka’s sister agreed. ‘When do we meet?’
‘I have plans to go down to one of those Bollywood studios and find out how to get into films.’
‘Do you mind if I come with you?’
‘Well,’ Kartika hesitated, ‘I would have loved your company but, let me survey the situation first. Our visit can wait.’
‘You are jealous,’ Menoka’s sister complained. ‘You are afraid that the filmi folks might fall for my charms and select me instead of you?’
Kartika did not have a ready reply. (to be continued…)

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