Moody and the half pant brigade (satire)

Moody was staring at a black and white snapshot of himself as a young man selling chai - he wore shorts in those days and felt comfortable in them. Such attires allowed a lot of freedom in movement and, when the air got hot and stifling, especially in the summer months, these half pants were indispensable.
And, all of a sudden, the decision came from above that half pants will make way for full pants.

Suddenly his hot line rang – it was Bee Rack O’Vama.
‘Hi man,’ he began, ‘how are your boundaries? Have you started to mend the fences?’
‘Mending fences is a continuous process,’ Moody replied.
‘I know,’ Bee Rack sighed. ‘I have Vladdy Putty in my hair. He is unpredictable – just like your Naa Buzz. And – I just cannot wish him away. Anyway – let us talk on something more interesting.’
‘Like Diwali?’
‘Yes. I celebrated it in my office. It shows how close we are, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then why don’t you revolt?’
‘Why should I?’
‘Because your bosses are insisting that you wear full pants when I know that you love half pants.’
Moody gave a dry laugh.
‘It is not easy,’ he said. ‘Half pants were OK so long as we remained in the background. But – with the global recognition that we are getting, we have to change tracks.’
‘Hey,’ O’Vama laughed. ‘Half pants look so cute. Bermuda shorts are a craze even in your country. City folks in cars go about in bermudas and capris. Then why did you switch over to long ones?’
‘It is a decision that I cannot question or overrule,’ Moody mumbled.
‘I believe it has got something to do with promoting khadi,’ Bee Rack said. ‘Anyway – hope your better half will return soon from her pilgrimage. My wife wanted to meet her.’
‘That will have to wait,’ Moody said. ‘She lives in her world, I live in mine.’ (to be continued …)


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Moody in deep trouble with river waters (satire)

Moody was jotting down points for his next monthly speech over the radio. He wanted to do so many things for the poor, especially ensuring lakhs and lakhs of toilets dotting the landscape. But, the sequence of events was taking him away from his objectives. There was the second infiltration and loss of several lives.
And, to add to that, he was having trouble with the river waters.
He was keen to clean the Ganges and create a Japan-like city on its banks. He longed to see steamers plying on the river carrying people from one place to another. He wanted water transport to share the burden of traffic. But, work on it was progressing too slowly. It could take another couple of centuries.
Then there was another river whose waters were shared by neighboring states. Here also there was continuous bickering about who will get how much water.

And, the latest river was one that originated in another country and, after passing through his own territory, emptied itself in a third country. This river was more important than the other two because it was a strategic option. If properly exploited, it could pay rich dividends.
As Moody was pondering over his line of action, the hotline rang. It was his really good friend Bee Rack O’Vama.
‘Hey man,’ he said. ‘What is this I hear? You want to block water supply to Na Buzz who is supposed to be your buddy?’
Moody gulped.
‘Why should I do that?’ he replied like a true leader. Answer awkward questions by posing a counter question. ‘Water is God’s gift and I cannot deny that to even my worst enemy.’
‘Worst enemy?’ Bee Rack was surprised. ‘I thought that you were real buddies. You had exchanged gifts.’
‘That is history,’ Moody sighed.
‘Why?’
‘He wanted something that I could not give.’
‘And – what was that?’
‘A crate of Alphonso mangoes. This year the quality of mangoes was bad so I could not agree. That made him angry.’
‘But don’t you think that waging a war over water is unbecoming of a man who boasted of his 56-inch-chest?’ Bee Rack asked.
Moody did not have a ready reply.
Suddenly the door to his office opened and Uma-ji entered. There were a number of files in her hand all marked Namami Gange. Behind her came the defense department people and external affairs team. Their files read Indus. And then there were others with files marked Cauvery and Teesta.
All the rivers were in spate and poor Moody was caught in the whirlpool. (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org


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Moody is off mood – Na Buzz had fooled him again (satire)

Moody, like anybody else, wanted to enjoy his birthday. He wanted it to be a quiet affair but the media did not give him any elbow space. With nothing to talk about, they hit up on the plan to get him some sort of international recognition – one of them said: ‘let us keep count of people who wished him on his birthday.’
Anyway, Moody left it all to his PR men – they knew best how to project him where he would get talked about and benefit the most.
But – the phone call from his friend Bee Rack O’Vama shook him out of his slumber.
‘What man,’ Bee Rack sighed. ‘How can your security be so slack? How could they not know about the infiltrators?’
‘They had come dressed in our uniforms,’ Moody explained. ‘And – their hair was cropped like our men!’
Bee Rack sighed again.

‘You are planning to go to Mars but you don’t have any mechanism to identify the original from a duplicate!’ Bee Rack said. ‘Of course your movies are full of duplicates. But you must design some mechanism to prevent such attacks.’
‘It is all a fault of one of my neighbors.’
‘You mean the neighbor on whom you dropped in all of a sudden on his birthday?’
‘Yes. I had dropped in on him on his birthday to wish him and, on my birthday, his people kill my men!!’
Bee Rack disconnected the phone and Moody immediately convened a high level meeting with Pyari Kar, Rajanna King and Sue Sharma – they were all involved in looking after the defense aspects and foreign affairs.
‘How did it happen?’ he shot the question.
‘They took us by surprise,’ Pyari Kar replied. ‘It was early morning and the time of the day when the eyelids get heavy and it is difficult to keep them open.’
‘Moreover, they were dressed just like our own men,’ Rajanna King added.
‘Na Buzz has fooled us again,’ Sue Sharma ground her teeth in anger. ‘He is a slippery character and is buzzing all around the world and talking too much about the ‘K’ word at every forum.’
‘Not just slippery but more slippery than a snake dipped in oil,’ Moody added. ‘He will say something today and, do a ninety degree turn the next day. I never expected such behavior from him. I had believed him to be a true friend.’
‘We must teach him a lesson,’ Pyari Kar said. ‘We could do something similar to what they have done. The latest incident was nothing short of a betrayal. Just imagine an attack at dawn that killed a whole lot of innocent soldiers.'
‘I am hurt,’ Moody stared into the distance. ‘How could a leader who had exchanged gifts when we met for the first time do this to me?’
Just then his phone rang – it was Tressa May.
‘What is this I hear?’ she shrieked. ‘How could anyone fool you? Last time it was a group of men from across your border who were chasing runaway cows and entered your air base. What is it this time?’
‘I heard they were chasing some birds and lost their way,’ Moody replied. (to be continued …)


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Moody’s mind flits from Black Money to White House (satire)

Moody had a tight schedule ahead of him. He wanted to rejig his ministers because many of them we not pulling their weight. Rather they were putting on weight and that soils the image of an efficiently run organization – the organization in this case was India.
He had a sheet of paper on his table with a list of ministers – both senior and junior. His laptop was also open and he was going through details of each and every one to weed out the unwanted.
Suddenly his intercom rang. It was Sue Sharma – she had been released from hospital and was gradually getting back into the groove.
‘I wanted to meet you urgently,’ Sue said.
‘What is it about?’
‘Your visit to America.’

‘There is time,’ Moody said.
‘We have to work out some strategy,’ Sue said. ‘The situation there is changing.’
‘I know. Our friend Bee Rack O’Vama will be leaving and a new man will take over.’
‘Could be a woman also,’ Sue reminded. ‘No one really knows but we have to be prepared for any eventuality.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Moody said.
‘Last time you had taken a gift that impressed our friend.’
‘Yes. It was a copy of the Bhagavat Gita.’
‘What’ll you take this time?’
‘His successors may not appreciate such gifts,’ Sue Sharma cautioned.
‘But – why should I worry about them now?’ Moody asked. ‘My friend still holds office and I’ll interact with him. He and I are good friends. When the guard changes, I’ll also change my strategy. Don’t worry about these issues – take rest.’
Moody went back to his research but there was another disturbance. It was Baba Someday and, from the way he entered, it was clear that he had something on his mind.
‘Yes Baba-ji – have you come to know the latest on Black Money?’
Baba gave a wry smile.
‘No, I have sent it to the back seat,’ he said as he occupied the chair. ‘It is about your visit to the White House.’
‘Please continue. I’m all attention.’
‘I want you to be my brand ambassador.’
‘For what?’
‘Yoga and Ayurveda,’ Baba said. ‘Both are great for maintaining health and America is a huge potential market. I want to enter that market in a big way and bring in the dollars. I want you to put in a few words in places that matter that will help the cause.’ (to be continued …)


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Madame Tussauds welcomes Moody – Didi waits for her turn (satire)

Moody was excited – he is finally getting international recognition in the galleries of Madame Tussauds and would be standing tall alongside his pals Bee Rack O'Vama, Day Weed and others.
He had already received congratulatory messages from his colleagues because he was one of a few Indian leaders who had entered the portals of history. He did have a few jitters because in the galleries were several Indian beauties of the silver screen and they were, to him, avoidable distractions.
Yes, he had to admit that he felt weak at the knees in front of women who oozed charms. But, there was one woman he would have liked to be near him in Madame Tussauds – she was Didi.

He reached for his telephone and was lucky to get her at the first attempt.
‘Didi, how are things shaping up?’ he asked.
‘Nothing is happening the way I want,’ she complained.
‘Why? I have told my men to help you in your plans,’ he said.
‘I am just not able to see how they are helping. Those people came down from Delhi and made fun of me. I can understand some Hindi but they talk so fast and have so different accents that I can’t follow what they are saying.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Moody gave a light laugh. ‘I think you know that I will be in London for life.’
‘What?’ Didi was shocked. ‘Then who will run the country? What will happen to our dreams of Utopia? And the cleaning of the Ganga? And the unearthing of black money?’
‘I was joking,’ Moody assured her. ‘My wax model will be in the Tussauds museum.’
‘Oh. And, how did you manage it?’
‘It just happened,’ Moody said. ‘One day they called me up and then sent across their artists. They came with all sorts of gadgets and measured me hundreds of times. I had to spare time for them.’
‘Why are you telling me all this?’ Didi was cautious.
‘I want you to be with me in the museum,’ Moody said. ‘You also are a great leader and must get recognition.’
‘I am thankful that you want me near you. But – I have my own problems. And – I cannot devote time for such projects. Painting is my hobby and, in fact, I have very little spare time. My painting work is badly affected. I think the last canvas I did was five years back – during the agitation to drive out the small car unit.’
‘Don’t worry Didi,’ Moody was in a light mood. ‘I’ll talk to the museum.’
But Didi cut him short.
‘I have heard that they keep changing the location of the models. And – one day they could send us to the Chamber of Horrors with models of Jack the Ripper and Adolf Hitler.’ (to be continued …)


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Baba Someday’s Pat & Jolie to create an Indian Disneyland (satire)

Moody heard the news of Baba Someday waxing eloquent over his Pat & Jolie outfit that was going great guns and doing a roaring business in products that ranged from noodles and biscuits to tooth paste and face cream with pure cow ghee thrown in for good measure.
Suddenly his hot line rang – the caller was Bee Rack O’Vama.
‘Hey man,’ Bee Rack’s voice came across loud and clear. ‘Why are you hitting below the belt?’
‘I never hit below the belt,’ Moody replied. ‘In fact I never hit anyone. My policy is to win others over with love. If anyone hits me, I offer the other face to him so that he can repeat his actions again.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ Bee Rack said. ‘No one does that. Not in this twenty-first century. I am talking about this Baba character. I believe he wants to take over our businesses and has his eyes on a Disneyland of his own.’

Moody gulped. He has told Baba Someday repeatedly to maintain a low profile but he has gone overboard in his enthusiasm and Moody would now have to pacify Bee Rack O’Vama and others. Baba’s announcements would queer the pitch for Moody’s Make in India initiatives.
‘Do you mean Baba Someday, the yoga expert?’
‘Yes. His Pat & Jolie outfit is into all sorts of products and he seems to be determined to wipe out all foreign competition. He even has zeroed on a site to create his version of our Disneyland! And – you are inviting us to join your Make in India initiative? Does it not amount to a conflict of interests?’
‘My dear Bee Rack, ours is a huge country and there is plenty scope for your business to flourish alongside Baba’s,’ Moody explained.
Bee Rack rang off and this time Moody’s external phone rang. It was a direct line known to only a few selected world leaders.
The caller was Day Weed. He was also apprehensive and, by the time Moody calmed him down, Angel Miracle rang up followed by Fancy Holland and Vladdy Putty. All of them were worried. All of them wanted to be a part of the Make in India projects but if Baba Someday takes over all businesses from foreigners, where would it leave them? What would happen to their biscuits and noodles and face creams and fruit juices? (to be continued …)


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Moody hates hotels and feels more at home in his aircraft (satire)

It was a conference of world leaders and Moody was supposed to attend. Present in the hall were Bee Rack O’Vama, Day Weed, Vladdy Putty, Angel Miracle, Fancy Holland, Na Buzz and a host of others. The subject of discussion was, obviously, terrorism.
Suddenly a mobile phone rang – it was for Day Weed.
‘Yes,’ he spoke, ‘his flight has landed?’
There was a huge sigh of relief all around. Moody had arrived and would soon be with them. The vehicle had been sent to the tarmac to pick him up and bring him directly to the hall.

‘Hey man,’ Bee Rack O’Vama leaned towards Day Weed. ‘I think Moody hates hotels.’
‘Yes,’ Day Weed said. ‘That’s why he remains in his aircraft and we have to arrange his transport to and from the tarmac.’
‘Actually he could have modified his aircraft to something like Air Force One which can carry his special vehicle,’ O’Vama said. ‘He can use it wherever he goes instead of being cooped up in the aircraft.’
‘If you ask me, I think he feels more comfortable among his own people,’ Vladdy Putty added his comments. ‘Moody has seen enough of the world to realize that he needs to be more accessible to others.’
‘Yeah,’ O’Vama said. ‘Wherever he goes, he meets and mingles with his own people.’
‘You can’t blame him for that,’ it was now the turn of Na Buzz to have his say. ‘Moody is a good man – he makes it a point to give gifts.’
‘That helps to create a sort of bond,’ Day Weed said. ‘But the novelty soon wears off.’
‘Can anyone tell me why he loves to remain in his aircraft,’ Angel Miracle now asked. ‘Is it a hidden fear of terrorist attacks?’
Vladdy Putty gave a hearty laugh.
‘No, I don’t think so,’ he replied.
‘Why do you rule out the possibility?’ Day Weed asked.
‘He always moves about with his special band of security,’ Putty explained. ‘They are experts in yoga and can wield a stick like no one has ever done. They are his own brand of soldiers.’
‘You mean the half-pant brigade?’ Day Weed asked.
‘You have hit the nail on the head,’ Putty grinned. ‘But – they are changing over to trousers.’
‘Why?’
‘Because half-pants look strange outside Moody’s country. And, the frequency of his foreign visits is on the increase. Therefore, the men entrusted with his security have to be in step with the times. Hence, the changeover.’
It was at this moment that Moody entered the conference hall and beamed at the august gathering – he was flanked by his bodyguards who wielded stout sticks. (to be continued …)


Image courtesy wikimediacommons.org

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